Deleting the cookies

The steam was rising up from the shower when I walked in to talk to my husband.  I was overwhelmed, confused, and could not digest the onslaught of thoughts going on in my head.  Being an extrovert I needed to talk about it and so I started to talk to him.  There was a look of bewilderment on my face and confusion on his as to why I was interrupting his shower.  After I talked to him about some of what I was thinking about and needing to do, I asked him what I should do.

His response was his typical creatively worded answer, "You just need to delete the cookies."  

For some who may not know what cookies are, no I am not talking about those delicious morsels of sugary goodness that I love.  Instead the cookies I am talking about are temporary files, folders, downloads, and other stuff that can take up memory and space on your computer.  If they take up too much space, your computer will begin to slow down and eventually quit working all together.  It is necessary to periodically delete them to keep your computer at optimal health.

John was right again (it happens I guess).  I had so much going on in my head that I was slowing down and almost reaching the point that I can no longer function.  My cookies were emotional feelings, stress about our house selling, hating to miss book club, trying to figure out what to do to take care of a sick kid, keeping food in the house, feeding the family, taking care of the bills, trying not to scream at my complaining preteen who wants nothing more than to play with friends, trying to adjust to the fact that my daughters birthday was not going to be the fun shopping trip I had planned because she was sick, and so much more.  There is only so much my brain can handle.  Frankly it already has a slow processor.

I digest things so slow.  It is frustrating when late at night I finally figure out that something I said could have been construed as hurtful or two days later when I come up with a good come back for my little brothers tease.  My brain holds everything in it and sometimes I just don't have any more space.  It becomes overloaded and every part of me suffers when that happens.  It is harder to control my emotions, my negative self talk goes up, depression starts, the kids get yelled at, my husband is the worst husband ever (at least that is what I think at the moment), and so on.

Kind of like this bubble game my kids play.  When they try to pop the wrong bubble another one appears.  If they keep picking wrong bubbles, the bubbles get faster and increase in number.  Finally the screen is filled with bubbles and the game is lost.  So, how do I digest everything and know what bubble to pop first.  That is what I am trying to learn.  I know that writing a blog or in my personal journal helps a lot. A good cry, hitting the punching bag, and a deep heartfelt prayer to my Heavenly Father also helps me.  What helps you delete your cookies?

Judgements

My church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) is a world wide church that is lead by a prophet of God.  Along with the prophet there are other leaders in various positions, (apostles, priests, seventy, etc.) that help lead, guide and direct our church.  A few of these leaders are women who are in charge of organizations for the women (Relief Society), young women, and children (Primary).  Twice a year we have a meeting where the leaders of those organizations speak to all the women of the church around the world.  It is broadcast on the Internet and we can watch it at church or in our homes.

I was at one of these broadcasts a few years ago and thinking about the women who lead our church.  At the time, each one had like 6 kids and lived in Utah.  I was anxious to hear what they had to say, but more than that.  I wondered what they could say that would help me because their life experiences seemed very different from mine and very similar to each other.  In fact, I thought to myself that their lives appeared easy and they hadn't suffered much at all.  All these judgments from me came from reading a very short bio about them.

At that meeting, I remember being relieved to hear that their life had not been easy and these women had a lot to offer me and the world.  Flash forward a couple years to just this last month.  Here I was sitting in a different chapel listening to some amazing women leaders speak and the first counselor of the Relief Society, Sister Carole M. Stephens, answered my unspoken prayer from two years ago.  Sister Stephens told me how these women and really all the leaders of the church including the prophet can lead and guide us even if they have not had the same experiences we have had.

Here is the link to her talk:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2015/04?lang=eng&vid=4140514097001&cid=4

Sister Stephens talked about how there are many experiences she has not had and while she went through the list, I wondered why she was naming all the things she had not gone through.  Then she said what I had needed to hear all along.  Even though she may not have gone through those experiences, she knows people who have gone through them.  More than that, Sister Stephens and the other leaders have worked hard their whole life to be close to their Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have a complete understanding of all the experiences and trials that life can bring.  As Sister Stephens works at being close to her Heavenly Father she draws upon His understanding and can truly know how to lead and guide us.

Wait a minute....That means she and the other leaders are qualified to lead us not only because of what they have endured, but also their personal relationship to God.  I know that each and every one of our leaders are called of God and they do not lobby or petition for their calling.  Most are hesitant to accept it, but do because they want to do the Lord's will.

To go along with this amazing answer to my sassy thoughts from years ago, my friend Jillian Garrett recently said something to me that I know will stick with me forever.  We were talking about the temple (A special place where we go to do the work of the Lord, very similar to the temple work mentioned in the bible.  Without the sacrificing of animals, as that ended with the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus Christ.).  Jillian said something along the lines of, "Don't you love how when you go to the temple you see people as they can be.  Almost as if you can see them the way God views them."   Jill is so right.  It is much harder to focus on the flaws of a person that is actively working for the good of others and trying to become closer to the Lord at the same time.  The temple provides the perfect place to do that.

If only I could use that vision of seeing people the way God sees them and viewing their eternal potential, then  I would not make those rash judgements.  Maybe I wouldn't have wondered what my leaders could teach me when they had no personal knowledge of my struggles.  I would have known what is in their heart and how receptive they are to the spirit.  I know I will fall short again, but hopefully I will try a little harder to see people for the potential of what they can become and will hold back rash judgements.

I know that every time I listen to the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints speak I am filled with the spirit and a desire to do better.  I know that they are called to lead and guide the church.  I am grateful for them and all they do.

The answer I didn't want

When we got our tax return back this year I was eagerly thinking about what we would do with the money.  We have not had a family vacation in years.  As we talked about it, I got it in my head that we needed to go to Disneyworld.  I wanted to take my little Reese (5) for her birthday and because she had never been.  I researched it and went to a local travel agency to reserve a trip for the end of March (spring break).  However, like all major financial decisions I prayed about it with my husband.  He did not seem as enthusiatic about the idea at all.

As I prayed about the decision I felt a lot of confusion and frustration over the issue.  In fact, I wondered if my prayers were even heard and if I was getting an answer.  Yet, overwhelming I felt this need to let my husband decide what we should do.  Now I am a military spouse that is very used to my husband being very busy or gone.  I make a lot of decisions on my own.  Part of me wondered if that was my answer and the other part wondered if I could let him make the decision.

When I finally told my husband that I really felt like he needed to make the decision, his response was an immediate we are not going.  I was devastated and so disappointed.  In my head I thought of all the reasons we had to go now....I want to get pregnant this year and I don't want to go to Disneyworld pregnant.  While I wait to finally become pregnant, it would be awesome to have something to look forward to.We might be moving crosscountry in the next year and that will make it very difficult to get to Disneyworld in the future.  My Reese has never been and she loves princesses and all things Disney.

As the weeks have gone by, I have come to realize how right my husband was and that I did get an answer to my prayer.  It just was the answer that I didn't want and he was amazing enough to say the hard truth.

We have a house for sale in Georgia and it was supposed to close at the end of February.  It didn't and in fact the first contract fell through.  We have another contract, but it still hasn't sold.  The amount of money we have had to spend on a rent and a mortgage, repairs on the house, and the stress of not having it sold are all reason enough to not go.   The last few months would have been impossible and so much more stressful had we gone when I wanted to go.

Thank you Heavenly Father and thank you John for giving me the answer I didn't want, but the one that was right.  Disneyworld can wait and hopefully we will get a chance to go before we move.