Confession

I am 36 and I still sleep with stuffed animals. Well mostly just the one. There it feels good to get that off my chest.

When I was a child, one year for Christmas, my parents got me a beautiful big snow leopard stuffed animal. I loved him. When we moved from California to Georgia when I was 14 years old, snow leopard came with me. When I went away to college and got on that plane all by myself, snow leopard came with me. Having snow leopard to snuggle with the whole flight made it easier for me to leave my home and family for the unknown future ahead. I am sure it looked weird to have an 18 year old girl on a plane with a snow leopard, but thankfully I have a little bit of a baby face and so I think I got away with it. (A creepy young man with a tongue fetish who was going to Vegas tried to hold snow leopard for a minute and I had to quickly swipe it back. That was a low moment for snow leopard.)

Throughout my two years in Utah at Brigham Young University, I slept with and kept snow leopard close by. He is the perfect size body pillow before body pillows were a thing. Over the years he has provided me a lot of comfort and is a constant in my world of change. Whenever I needed to snuggle and was sad, he has been there for me.

As soon as I got married, my husband replaced snow leopard in the bed. Still, I never got rid of him and would occasionally snuggle with snow leopard when I read. Then I started to have kids and they started to grow up. They sometimes play with snow leopard. Every once in a while they even want to sleep with him and as long as John is home, I have no problem sharing. It is a lot harder to share snow leopard when John is not home, though.

This last year our family was able to go to Disney World and have a wonderful vacation. Reese and John picked out a baby snow leopard for me at Animal Kingdom so that my big snow leopard would have a friend. Baby snow leopard is soft and perfect and I am very grateful for the gift.

Now that John is deploying, I curl up with both my snow leopards every night. One for a body pillow and the other for my arms. Somehow it is less lonely in the bed and I am always reminded of the beautiful people in my life. So thank you mom and dad for that wonderful Christmas gift. I don't think either one of us knew how important it would be in my life. Thank you Reese and my love, John.

Thumbs Up

A month before we moved from Pennsylvania to Georgia, my friend, Tera Gibb, asked me if I wanted to do a 10K beat the bus run with her. Since I absolutely love to run with Tera, I agreed. Unfortunately, it happened to be the last Saturday before we left. Leading up the race we got runs in when we could and I continued packing our house. Most of it was loaded into storage with help from my husband and oldest daughter, Celia. I didn't stress the 10k because "I have done half-marathons before, a 10k is no problem" right? Oh silly, silly me.

The last few weeks before we moved we were trying to get rid of food. There were few to no home cooked meals and we kept our house supplied with treats. So now you are beginning to see that I did not really train or prepare myself physically for this 10k. Still I was excited to do this beat the bus run and see if we could indeed beat the bus or if we were going to be too slow and need to be picked up.  

The morning of the race, I got my girls in the car and we headed out.  It was a cool and mildly foggy Autumn day in September. Since we love hanging out with the Gibb family, we were all excited.  Reese was able to do her first fun run with her friend Josie and earned her first medal (which ended up being bigger than ours).  Josie's older brother Tanner had been training for his run and easily took first place even though one girl was initially faster. 

Then it was me and Tera's turn. There was also a 5k going on that day and most of the runners were there for that one. We got to the starting line and I could tell that our crowd was mostly seasoned runners. Still it was discouraging when the race began and we were at the back of this pack of runners. I brushed it off and instead just focused on not being the absolute last ones to the finish line.

Tera and I were enjoying the splendid views of the lake and the beautiful Pennsylvania countryside during the not too difficult and flatter first half. Even though these views were spectacular, I was sad that there were not many spectators along the course. Some of my favorite memories from half marathons are the people who are on the sidelines either ringing their cowbells or cheering us on.  Even better are the silly signs that they hold up like: "Smile if you peed a little," "Why do all the cute ones run away," "Run fast, I just farted," "This is a lot of work for a free banana," or "Chuck Norris never ran a marathon." These signs make me laugh and I just love them.

Not one sign was on this course though. Then to make matters worse, as we got closer to the halfway point, I was struggling. My hips and right ankle hurt and I could feel all that horrible food I had been eating like a lead weight in my stomach. I don't think I had enough water in my system and I was just plain exhausted from the mental and physical stresses of a move. 

That was when the first 10k runners passed the turning point and started going the opposite direction; toward us and eventually the finish line. I am not sure who started it, but I think it was Tera. We started to shout words of encouragement to those runners and I would do a thumbs up or two. With each thumbs up or "Way to go" I started to forget the pains I was experiencing and my struggles. Instead I would make eye contact with runners and offer them support, often receiving support back. After passing the halfway point, we started to come across the 5K runners and Tera and I continued to offer encouragement to them. There was a large hill where I could no longer breath enough air to offer words, but I tried to offer thumbs up still. 

Then as we started to get within a couple miles of the 10k finish line, there were no longer any other runners to offer encouragement to. So Tera and I started to tell each other we got this and we could do it. It was a definite sigh of relief when we passed the point where the bus would no longer pick us up. Though honestly, I never doubted for a second that Tera wouldn't make it past that point and finish the race.  Those last few miles were definitely the hardest part of the run. Then with just a few hundred yards to go uphill to the finish line Tera started to go faster and even passed another lady to finish strong. I came up after Tera and the other lady, struggling to catch my breath. Still I finished.

This run was a hard one for me and I am so glad I did it. Especially because I learned a valuable lesson that day. Those experiences during the run have stayed with me and sunk deep inside. I felt better when I was cheering other people on. Now I am not a cheerleader by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I need to become more of one now. When we really try to help others out and support them, our trials lesson because our mind is no longer wrapped solely around our own struggles. Instead our minds have so many other things to think about. When we look for ways to encourage and lift others up, we become elevated as well.  It is not always easy.  Sometimes we are struggling to breath and all we can muster is a small thumbs up or nod hello.  It doesn't matter how big or how little it is. What matters is that we do it.  So if you are having a hard time right now, look for ways to help encourage and cheer others on during their struggle.  I promise it will change your life.  

But If Not

In April of 2004, just after I had found out that I was finally pregnant with my first daughter, Elder Simmons of the Seventy gave an inspiring talk about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. They were threatened with death by fire and their response was that their God would save them, BUT IF NOT they would still hold true to their testimony and knowledge of God.

Here is the talk:

 https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/05/but-if-not.p1?lang=eng

(Side note on what a Seventy is: A leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The prophet leads our church under the direction of Jesus Christ, then he has apostles that help him and seventies who help after that in the various locations of the church worldwide.)

I have to admit that just before this time, in 2002 and 2003, I struggled to stay close to my Heavenly Father. I was so angry with him that He was not allowing me to get pregnant. After all, it was a righteous desire and it should be easy. I was even more frustrated when I did all of the testing for infertility and they came back saying we were a picture perfect couple. There was no reason we should not be getting pregnant. Still I was not getting pregnant. I even tried Clomid to help speed up the process of getting pregnant. After two months, I ended up getting a kidney stone and a cyst on my ovaries. Not to mention the hormones that I subjected my body to and the mood swings that made life difficult. However, I did eventually end up pregnant. Twice in fact. 

So why am I bringing up all this ancient history when I have two beautiful girls. Well, I am saying this because of my last post. In it I had expressed how I was trying to get pregnant and we once again used Clomid. Which frankly was a horrible time to use that medicine. Here we are in the midst of so many preparations for deployment and a move down South and I am barely hanging on emotionally. That sounds like a great time for extra hormones right? NO, no it wasn't. There was one day in particular that everything and everyone was bothering me. I could feel this need to scream and vent frustration out on anyone in sight. I expressed my struggle to my daughters and they tried to give me plenty of space that day. They are smart like that. Still it took all my self control not to blow up and act like a start raving lunatic. 

In taking this medicine, I pleaded with the Lord that I would get pregnant and all of those struggles would be worth it. I also added the BUT IF NOT phrase in my prayer, but really hoped it wouldn't come to that. 

In case you are curious, I did indeed need the BUT IF NOT phrase. I am not pregnant and there is not really any chance I will be for a year. My BUT IF NOT was that I would be OK if it did not happen. That I would be able to accept God's will for my family and find what He wants us to do. I have not felt like I am done with children and so I have kept baby clothes, furniture and various other things that would have long since been disposed of. In the last 6 years we have moved into 6 separate houses in four states. I have hated hauling that stuff around over the years. Still we are not done and when I came close to getting rid of some things, my daughter questioned me. "Didn't you say you weren't done having kids? Why would you get rid of that?" She had pointed out my lack of faith. Didn't I believe that God answered my prayer?

So I have kept all that stuff. When I initially realized I was not pregnant, I kind of shut my emotions of. Then I immersed myself into a book to forget. Unfortunately, I happened to be reading a drama that centered around a baby. The good thing about this book was that it allowed me to release all my pent up emotions and cry. So I allowed myself a day to mourn the loss and then I got on with my life. Back to work doing all the things that needed doing around the house. I could not have and did not do this in 2002. It was all so much harder then. When I was angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. 

Now that I have made peace with God and realized that He has a reason for all things, I can truly say that even if things don't work out the way I want (BUT IF NOT) they do work out the way God intends.

I am sorry that I am not announcing a pregnancy, but we are considering fostering or adopting in a year. Whatever we do, I know the Lord will have led us to this point for a reason. In the end, the path will make sense. 

Getting Personal

Even though I enjoy writing, especially inspirational tidbits that make people feel good, I struggle to really get too personal. I don't like to give too much information about me, myself and my family. Lately, I have been feeling that I need to and I guess I will work on that. I am sure that I will still find ways of sharing inspiration and hope to uplift others and help them grow closer to our Heavenly Father. So for the personal:

My house has been an utter mess for the last month and a half;boxes everywhere, chores not being done and me feeling crazy. We have been trying to figure out what we can live without for a year and what we need to take with us. Slowly the stuff in my house is disappearing and the storage unit is filling. You see; My girls and I are moving in with my parents while my husband continues to inspire us from a far by deploying to the Middle East. I am a military wife and I have been for a while. However, this is the first time we have done a real deployment. There have been many long separations and two other possible deployments. The first deployment my husband was unable to go on due to an injury to his leg that required surgery, a plate and ten screws. The second deployment was cancelled last minute. Both of those experiences were so stressful. Life in many ways is stressful. We all have stuff to deal with.

Our family has known that this deployment was coming and for a long time we thought about moving in July so that the girls would only have one school to go to this year. In April, I was called into our Bishops office (a local church congregation leader) and asked if I would serve as the Relief Society President (in charge of the women of the local congregation and their needs). I did not want the calling and was at that time thinking of moving in July. So it took prayer and fasting before I could answer our Bishop. We decided that I would accept the calling and we would put off our move until John got official orders for the deployment. Which are due in a couple weeks, ironically the same day we pack up to move. We debated moving in November, but training schedules changed and we decided to move at the end of September.

So while I have been working on moving the stuff into storage that we won't take and packing the rest up, I have also been attempting to help the women at church. Sometimes it is just a phone call or a visit to the hospital, at other times I help the ward provide food for a family in need. Whatever the Lord or Bishop feel needs to be done, is done. Thankfully I have lots of amazing helpers. Still, it feels like a lot some days and I am extremely overwhelmed. At other times I am grateful for so much keeping me busy because it gives me less time to worry and stress.

Additionally, there are so many emotions involved when you know a loved one is going to leave you for an extended period of time. There is anger and a desire to push them away. Almost as if you are trying to prepare yourself mentally to not need them around. "How dare he leave us" is a thought I have on occasion. Then there is pride in him and his willingness to serve. I know it will be even harder for him to be away from his girls and he will miss things, but he does it because he wants to help people and save lives. He wants to do his job. Most of the time I want to be around John every possible minute that I can and that makes me feel clingy. Which I do not like.

That part of the emotions is hard, but there are also good things. I am so excited to be around my family and my newest little nephew, who is just a week old. I love them so much and really look forward to being able to spend time with them. Sadly, it has been hard to allow myself to feel this excitement too much and I need to work on that.  I just keep thinking how can I be excited when the biggest piece of my heart with be thousands of miles away. I can't be excited for that. I can't be excited for the worry and fear I will have to battle everyday over him. I think I might pray for world peace with an added fervor now. I will also pray that he has a boring deployment and stay out of harms way.

In the midst of all of this and so much more, I have been taking fertility medicine to get pregnant. Do I want to be pregnant while my husband is gone and possibly have the baby without him? excuse my language, but Hell NO. I don't want any of this, but life is like that and you just have to adjust. I have been trying for years to get pregnant and because of all the training trips my husband has gone on this year there have only been two chances to get pregnant.This last month may very well be our last chance for over a year. I am not getting younger and I am sick of trying to get pregnant. I have literally spent well over a decade of my life in that pursuit (which would be less frustrating, if I had better results). Unfortunately taking this medicine, has meant that most of this month I have felt the desire to cry over nothing. I have had to work extra hard at keeping my anger and frustrations under check. I know I am extra tired and working out has been a horrible chore that exhausts me more than I want to admit. It has been an exercise in self-control and some moments I have succeeded more than others.

Still if it works out it might just be worth it and if not....BUT IF NOT...I will still trust in the Lord and find what he wants me to do. I am praying for strength either way because I need it.  Mostly I need help with mental strength because that is where I am dealing with most of my struggles anyways. So that is my little bit of personal.

Whatever you are dealing with, you can do it. I know that this too will pass and soon I will be welcoming my husband home with open arms and fighting for his attention from his daughters. Then we will be moving to another new place; maybe California, Colorado, Florida or possibly back to Kentucky. Of course, we never know and I have to just take a deep breath and remember "One step is Enough for Me" - The line comes from a church hymn and I often say it to myself during these times. I don't need to know what will happen in a year and where we will be, one step is all I need. That one step is moving to Georgia and being around so many wonderful friends and family.

He Speaks To Us

As I sat in church a few weeks ago, one line from a country song kept replaying in my mind. "This is my temporary home, not where I belong." ("Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LraOiHUltak) As that line was on repeat in my mind, I thought of so many times where I have had a glimpse of what my permanent home will be like. These glimpses are such a treasure to me. Most of these glimpses have taken place in the temple. The temple is such a beautiful and sacred place where members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints go for instruction and to seal families together for eternity. When I go to the temple I feel like the living and the dead dwell in that building together. Not in a creepy, dead body way. No, so many of the spirits of those I love, who have passed on, are in that building. They are there cheering me on and filling my heart with love.

Washington D.C. temple

A few months ago I had the great pleasure of going to a sealing (when you marry for time and all eternity in the temple) in the Atlanta, Georgia temple. I had the pleasure of teaching the bride, Meighan, when she was a teenager and over the years have watched her grow into the beautiful woman that she is. As I looked around the ornate room I saw the faces of so many friends that in many ways are family for me. They were my ward family and I still love them. However, there was also some of our family missing . Meighan's grandparents passed away and I was blessed to get to know them as well before we moved from the area. There were also others there who were missing a spouse or other loved one.

As the sealer (the person that performs the ceremony) spoke he mentioned how there were some who were there that we could not see, but could only feel. So many eyes teared up at that comment, including my own. There in that indescribably beautiful room I had a glimpse of the sweet reunion that our permanent home will have. Where we will embrace those we have lost in this life and we will not have to be separated from them ever again. That is my permanent home.

Which is a very good thing because once again my family is starting our preparations to move. Thankfully we are moving close by family and friends this time, but unfortunately we will be sending a very important part of our home to the "sand pit" as he calls it.

When I asked a friend how she was able to deal with deployment, she told me that the only way is to pray and stay close to the Lord. So that is what I will do.  This move is still one of the hardest I have had because I don't even want to consider what my life will be like without him around. He is my light and my laughter and my better half in many ways.

Years ago, just after we had bought our first and only home we have owned my husband talked about moving. I was so mad at him because I loved our little home and I wanted to stay there. I remember sitting in sacrament when the Lord spoke to me through a quiet thought placed in my head. "Home is where the Heart is."  (Which is a little saying my mom always had around the house growing up - thanks mom) That was years before my husband joined the military and years before I really realized its full impact. Yet, it has stuck with me. My home is where the people I love are. It is not a physical place.
So part of home is still in Monroe, Georgia with all of those amazing friends.  Part of it is in Germany with another beautiful friend and her family. Part of it is in Hawaii. Part of it is in Winder Georgia, Utah, Hoschton Georgia, Fort Bragg, California, Alaska, and many more places. My home is spread out all over the world. A piece of my heart is all over. I wish the biggest piece of my heart with stay with me, but I know it is always with him wherever he goes.

Still, I am so glad that God told me what I needed to hear and that He continues to speak to me as I seek Him in prayer. I know that He has helped me overcome and understand so many of the hurdles that have been placed in my life. My greatest wish is that anyone else who is struggling to find their way or to understand why they are going through something would remember that they have a loving Heavenly Father that is just waiting for them to turn to Him in prayer. He wants to speak to us and He has not stopped. Just as He spoke to that sealer so that he would say exactly what we needed to hear at that moment. He wants us to see that this is not our temporary home and He has prepared something so much greater than this one. A world without the loss of our loved ones.

Character Flaws

I was at school talking to one of the teachers and he was very excited about a new comic book for Captain America. Apparently (spoiler alert) Captain America was a deep undercover spy for the bad guy. When I asked him why he liked this so much, he said that Captain America had always been too perfect and too good in his opinion. He liked that he had a character flaw.

After that I thought about my own flaws. Maybe our flaws are not always bad. Maybe they make us more real and relatable for other people. With that in mind, I am going to share one of my major character flaws with some examples. (spoiler alert) I don't always think things through all the way. Unfortunately, both my examples have to do with the same garage.

I dropped my daughter off at school and had a few minutes before I had to be back at the middle school for work. Since I had forgotten my gum at home and I love chewing gum, I ran home to get it. I pulled into the driveway and stopped. I got a text message at that moment and looked at it and responded. Since the garage door was no longer working, I had to get out of the car and run to the front to get inside. I got out of the car and ran around to go to the front. Only then did I remember that I forgot to put the car in park. I watched as the car rolled forward and rammed into the garage door. I ran back to the car and put it in reverse and parked it. However, the damage was already done. The hardest part of this incident was having to go the real estate company we rent from and telling them what happened. I don't think the gum was worth all that.

Then yesterday happened. The power was out. Which prevented me from finishing my exercise video and was ruining my whole chicken in the crock pot. We had planned to go clean the church and I figured we would take the crock pot with us and finish cooking it there. (The garage has since been fixed and replaced and works beautifully now.) We were running late to meet my husband, John and I was stressed about the chicken. We ran out to the car and it was pouring rain. I got my girls and the chicken in the car and went to close the garage. Since the power was out, I had to close it manually. Now our garage door is flat with no handles to pull on. So I put my fingers in the grooves between panels so I could grab the door and pull it down. Down it went and the grooves shut on the three middle fingers of my right hand. I yelped  "Ouch" and stared at my fingers being pinched. (Another flaw I have is that I process things very slowly and do not have quick reactions.) I could see Celia in the car with her hands covering her mouth starting to freak out. After a half a minute, I realized that I would have to push the door up with my other hand to let my fingers out. So I did that and then I finished shutting the garage door and got into the car.

The pain was mind numbing and I was wet from the rain. My daughters were screaming and crying in the car asking what happened and was I ok. I threw the keys at my oldest and told her to call her father. When he asked to speak to me I simply said, "I feel nauseous." I broke out in a sweat and my head was spinning with nausea and pain. Celia turned on the car for me and some music and turned up the air conditioning. I was so hot and nauseous. The fingernail on the middle finger of my right hand had a blue line on it and the back was dented in. I sat there with my head slumped over the steering wheel unable to calm my very upset children and waited. 

John, ever the clear thinker in an emergency, called Celia and told her to get me an ice pack. She returned with one of those home made rice packs we keep in the freezer. The sheer weight of it caused me more pain than I care to remember, but I knew it was necessary. Shortly after that, John arrived and I was still so unclear about what to do.  John grabbed the crock pot and set it outside of our garage (the ruined chicken still haunts me). I got into the front passenger seat and Celia called a friend to go over their house. John drove the girls there and me to the emergency room. In the end, I broke the top part of my middle finger on my right hand. Much of the time when I could react at all, I was laughing at my own stupidity, but I did cry when the PA squeezed it to figure out where the pain was.

So if my character flaws have now endeared me to you, then think about that next time you notice a flaw in yourself. It keeps you real and gives you something to work on. Flaws can truly be good things.

Strength from Angels

John kept asking me if I was sure that I wanted to go that Friday night. Halfway to Indianapolis, Indiana I was starting to wonder if I had made the right choice. What was supposed to be an 2 1/2 hour drive on a freeway, turned into a 5 + hour drive with stop and go traffic crawling all the way up from our home in Kentucky. We had left with enough time to get up there, get dinner and go to the temple open house before driving home. It was going to be a late night, but not too bad.

Then we hit that traffic and at first I figured that it would just delay us a little bit. Boy was I wrong, By the time we got to the Indianapolis temple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints it was dark outside, the gates were closed, and we could no longer go in.

I called my husband and asked him what he thought we should do. He told me to go get a hotel room and spend the night there and see the temple in the morning and then come home. So the girls and I went to Walmart and got toothpaste, deodorant, toothbrushes, and pjs. Then we spent the night in a hotel, put our clothes back on from the day before, ate breakfast and went to the temple. It was a very frustrating experience trying to get to that temple.

However, once we were on the temple grounds and in the temple I could feel the peaceful spirit of God and I knew it was all worth it.  The opportunity to take my girls inside the temple and show them how beautiful it is and share that spirit with them is truly priceless.

The Indianapolis temple is so beautiful inside and out and there are so many things that I could share about the details and artistry of this House of God. Instead, I am going to stick to one single painting. There is a hall inside the temple that has pictures of Jesus Christ's life. The pictures go from Christ's birth to his death. The man leading our tour pointed one out in particular. It was a beautiful painting that I had not yet seen. I have attached the link if you care to look at it.

http://www.delparson.com/gallery_pages/an_angel_strengthened_him.html

It shows Christ praying in Gethsemane being supported and helped by an angel.  It brings to my mind the scripture found in Luke chapter 22 verse 42 "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."  Then I picture our loving Heavenly Father wiping the tears from His eyes as He sees and hears His son's plea. God then enlists the help of one of His angels to go down and help Jesus Christ. Luke 22:43 "And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him." I can almost hear Heavenly Father say, "I can't take away your pain, but I will send you help." God knew that Jesus Christ's pain and suffering were for a good cause. He couldn't take it away, but he could and did send help.

I know that Jesus Christ went through many things for each and every one of us. I am so grateful for those sacrifices. Our Heavenly Father also suffered much watching His son's sacrifice, but He knew all the good it would do and so He did not stop it.

We are all God's children and we all have our moments of trial and pain. I think there are many times that God looks down on us with tears in His eyes saying, "I can't take it away, but I can send help." Are we asking for that help? Are we recognizing it when it does come?  God wants to send us angels to strengthen us. When we ask in faith, He will send them. I have felt them at times when I have not uttered a direct prayer, but have simply cried out in agony.

My plan is to get this picture and hang it close by me so that I can better endure my husband's future deployment. It will be a reminder to me that I am never alone and there is always help from Heaven.  STRENGTH FROM ANGELS.

Degree of Difficulty

Recently I asked my friends on Facebook to tell me what they think God wants them to know about themselves today. I got some great responses and will be working on an article for that topic this week. One of the responses has stayed with me. My friend Tammy Cox said, "I'm doing better than I think I am." Her comment reminded me of a story I love. (By the way if you know where it comes from, please let me know. Someone told me once, but I can't remember).

A group of kids were in a community dive team. Each week they would meet on their designated day to practice their dives. They would work on keeping their body perfectly straight and entering the pool with the least amount of splash. They wanted to have that perfect dive. Many of the kids had their own pools at home and would continue to practice their dives throughout the week. However, there was one boy on the team who didn't have a pool and couldn't practice any more than that one day a week. His dives were not as perfect as the other boys. Often he would make the biggest splash.

One day the team went to a local meet to show off their diving skills and hopefully win some awards. Each kid did their best and in the end the one boy who did not own a pool won. When the other kids found that out, they were very upset and went to their coaches and the judges to find out why. The simple answer was the degree of difficulty. The other kids dives were almost perfect, but they were not as challenging as this boy's dives. He always did the most difficult dives and so his dives were always worth more points.

You see in life we do not always see or know the difficulties that others face, but our Heavenly Father does. He knows us so well and even though we may feel like we are doing better than someone else, we have no idea. We don't know their degree of difficulty. We should never judge others. Along those same lines, we are doing so much better than we think we are because we don't always account for our degree of difficulty. We are expecting perfection, when sometimes life becomes so difficult that surviving each moment is a real feat of strength.

Please remember that you are doing better than you think you are and so are the people around you. We need more love and acceptance in this world and a whole lot less judgement.

Along those same lines I guess I should update friends and family about my own small degree of difficulty - my infertility journey.  It is not something I love to talk about because it is a greatly disappointing part of my life. No amount of hard work or effort can change this aspect of my life. Anyways, I am still very much not pregnant. I have only been able to try Clomid 2 out of the last 5 months because my husband is away for work a lot. The rest of the year does not look very promising for the same reason and frankly this has depressed me more than I care to admit.

Ursula's Backstory

As we sat watching Disney's "The Little Mermaid," we wondered why Ursula hated King Triton so much? What was Ursula's story? I asked the girls their opinions and then I came up with my own back story. Here it is in a condensed format:

Ursula was born to a single mother, Xylia. She looked so much like her mother, that at first she didn't think about her parentage much. Xylia was a witch and Ursula quickly became her mother's apprentice. Xylia was a strict and unloving mother that Ursula tried to please when she was a child and wished to be rid of in her teenage years. When Ursula finally got old enough to ask her mother about who her dad was, Xylia simply told her that it was not time for her to know yet. Ursula continued to try to ask, but eventually gave up when her mother became so angry that she threatened to feed her to the sharks.

Ursula would dream that her father would one day return and give her all the love she desperately wanted and needed. When Ursula became a teenager, Xylia sent her off to a private school. Ursula was excited, but quickly realized that her Octopus tail did not endear her to the mermaids that she went to school with. She always felt different and many of the mermaids stayed away from her because they knew who her mother was.

One week Prince Triton and Ursula ended up in detention together. Prince Triton was there for shocking another student with his mini training sceptor. Ursula had magically shut a mermaid's mouth closed and was serving out her punishment. Prince Triton was an adventurous young boy who was intrigued by this new and different Ursula. He took the opportunity to talk with Ursula and they quickly became friends. As their friendship progressed Prince Triton brought Ursula home to meet the parents.

Prince Triton's dad, Neandro, was furious when he met this new friend of his son's. He told Ursula to go home immediately and forbade that they see each other ever again. Ursula left very upset and that was when she met her two eel friends. Neandro then took Triton aside and explained himself. He knew that forbidding them to associate was a sure fire way to get them together. You see Neandro was Ursula's father. Years ago Ursula's mother, Xylia, had magically tricked Neandro into having a momentary fling with her. Xylia had hoped to have his first son and heir and rise to power in the underwater kingdom through her son. When Ursula came out, she changed her plan. Ursula would be used to drive a wedge in the Royal family and help destroy them for good.

Prince Triton didn't know how to take the news and did not want Ursula to ruin his family. Out of fear he avoided her from that moment on. Ursula became friendless and the teasing increased without Triton stopping it. Triton even pulled jokes on Ursula occasionally. When Ursula finally confronted Triton about what was going on and found out that they shared a father, she was so upset that she went home to her mother. Xylia used this opportunity to spin the story her way. Xylia told Ursula that she had loved Neandro and he loved her, but he was too afraid to break up his marriage. When Xylia became pregnant Neandro was furious and refused to claim Ursula as his own child. Neandro had ruined their life and would never accept them.

Ursula believed the claims and for years she worked with her mother Xylia to overthrow and kill the royal family so that they would pay for what they had done to her.

In the end Ursula had a choice, but so did Prince Triton. Prince Triton let fear of what could happen and shame of where she came from, prevent him from treating her like a step sister. Ursula decided to believe her mother and gave into all the hurt feelings of being different. She focused on all the wrongs she had experienced and punished everyone she could for her own experiences. She never could forgive Triton for rejecting their friendship and wanted to destroy him for the hurt he caused her.

Haven't you ever noticed that there are moments when Ariel herself resembles Ursula? It's her Half-Aunt and the facial expressions must come from dear old Grandpa Neandro.

Give a little Love

"I hate you."

"You are so selfish"

"Why don't you ever pick up after yourself"

"That is mine"

Growing up there were times my siblings and I would say things like that to each other and more. I was number 6 of 7 kids in the family and I love them all. Yet, sometimes we all got on each other's nerves. At those times when the bickering would reach an all time high, we would have a special family evening lesson. Each of us would sit with a piece of paper in front of us, wondering what our parents had in store for us (of course we never wondered again after the first time and there were numerous times we had to do this lesson). The instructions were simple. Put your name at the top of your paper and pass it to the person on your right. That person would then write down a compliment for the person whose paper it is. Your paper is passed all around until you finally get that paper back filled with compliments.
 
At times, when I was very upset with a family member, it was hard to come up with a compliment and it would take much longer to write one down. Other times, I knew that a family member was struggling and I sought for the best compliment to help them in their time of need. These compliment lists are now treasured to me because they remind me that no matter how bleak something can seam it can always be turned around. Our fighting didn't always stop completely with this lesson, but it really did lesson quite a bit after we had it. You see when you are looking for the positive attributes of those around you, it is much harder to focus on the negative.

Fast forward my life to only a few years ago. I was not feeling as loving to my husband and kids as I wanted. They were annoying me for various reasons and I really wanted to change my perspective. So with some inspiration from a picture on Pintrest I came up with an idea very similar to those compliment lists of old. I made a trail of hearts that led to one big heart each day for the first 14 days of February. Each day was someone else's special day and they could follow the little hearts from their room to where the big heart was located, somewhere else in the house. On the big heart I wrote them a simple compliment and some days I left a treat or special gift. It has been three years now, since I started this tradition, and I can honestly say that it helps me so much. Everyday I am reminded of the things I love about my husband and daughters. Everyday I am looking at the positive.

My youngest, Reese, is very excited when it is her turn and looks forward to what each day will bring. This year she asked me, "Mom where are your hearts?"

"Sweetheart, I don't make myself hearts." was my reply.





So John and the girls decided to make me my very own heart and leave me a gift. (Reese secretly hoping that I will share my gift.) Last night I could hear them laughing as they cut and decorated hearts of all sizes. It was precious to hear and makes me feel like my heart could burst. Afterwards, Reese kept running up to me giving me extra hugs and kisses.




This morning Reese came to me and begged me to get out of bed and go get the gift and see the heart. Then she made sure to show me where to go. She was so excited and it was so cute. I think she was almost as excited for me to get my heart as she was to get her own heart.





Through this tradition I am reminded and hopefully I am teaching my family that: When we look for the positive in those around us, it fills our heart with love and makes our homes a happier place to be.

My Life and Writing

Those who know me well, know that I have been working on writing a book for over three years now. Sometimes I work a little harder than others. The last few months I have felt this internal push to finish this novel (called Dear Eva). Well the first few weeks of January, I was doing really good and working hard on the very challenging editing process of the novel. Then, I started to work as a substitute aide for the local school system.  (I am sure there will be more posts about this in the future) Well that part time job quickly became a permanent substitute aide at the local middle school.

Which means that I do not have as much free time as I used to. Still there is this push inside me to finish this book. Today I was able to take some time to work on the book and I came across something I wrote a while ago.  I am not even sure if it will make it into the book, but I feel like it would be a good part to share here. As a side note, the book is a journal that a mother starts to write when she starts wanting to have kids. She continues writing through her struggles with fertility. This particular entry would be one after she found out she was not pregnant again (so many times this happens when you struggle with fertility...potentially every month).

Sometimes when your heart breaks it is a sudden and horrific experience and sometimes it is a trickle of pain that escapes a little bit at a time while your heart feels squeezed. Mine is trickling and I want to start the emotional waterfall to just get it over with, but can't. I have to hold it together because that is what adults are supposed to do and because I can't let myself go there emotionally. Why did I even start the process? Why did I start to imagine how and when I would tell my husband that I am pregnant. Such a slippery slope that I continue to slide down only to come to an abrupt and bloody stop.

Baby you are worth the wait and agony, but once again I find myself wanting to know what the future holds instead of focusing on my next step in life. I should realize by now that my life is measured in days and weeks and anything more than that is uncertain. I am starting to find myself afraid to plan too far in the future, for you see you never know what will happen. Nope I never know what will happen.

My prayer is that our Lord will know that now and always I am His humble servant. I will go where He wants me and be who He wants me to be. He leads and I will follow.  I know He has a plan for me and I will take it one step at a time. Hoping that someday all of this will make sense.

I wrote this during a particularly difficult day for me emotionally in my infertility journey. It is a bit dramatic, but at times we are all a bit dramatic. The struggle to get pregnant is real. Even though there are many days I wish my struggle would end, I am also grateful for the knowledge and understanding I have gained. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me (as He does for all of His Children, including you). Someday it will all make sense.

News - one military spouse's point of view

I don't watch or read or listen to the news very much. On purpose. I remember distinctly the moment I gave up on it as a regular pastime. I was sitting at my work desk thinking about my future children and how scary the world will be for them. I had just finished reading the latest updates on rapes, murders, corrupt politicians, etc. My heart was so filled with fear that I physically felt ill. You see I used to have a morning ritual of scouring the news sites on the internet. In fact, they were my homepage.

That day was a turning point for me, though. I thought to myself: "Why do I subject myself to the horrific details of these crimes on a daily basis? Is this really what most people are like?" Those thoughts made me want to run and hide in some beautiful forest surrounded by nature and peace. Then I looked around me at my co-workers. No, they were not perfect. Many of them irritated me for one reason or another at some point and I am sure I did the same to them. Still they made me laugh, they were nice on occasion and they celebrated birthdays with cake (Fudgey the whale ice cream cake from Carvel's was my favorite). My thoughts turned to my family and friends that I loved dearly. They were amazing people that showed me love, compassion, kindness, laughter, and so many other good things in life.

That was when I came to the realization that I needed to stop reading the news religiously. Now, I do read or see an occasional news report or article. I will watch when their is a major event. Mostly because I want to see the inspirational stories that come out of the horror. You see that is what I want. I want to know the good people do when they are faced with trauma.

You may be wondering what all this has to do with the military. Well I will tell you. Being a military spouse means that a news report about a war in a foreign country is no longer a random story. That could be my spouse, a friends spouse, or someone we know and love. More than that. Stories of wars brewing make me hug my husband a little longer, love him a little more. I never know when something will happen and he will be called away. Away being a foreign country where people will shoot at him and he will be trying to save lives while they shoot.

I don't want to hear about the latest helicopter crash stateside or in another country. I will not let myself live in fear every time my husband gets in that black hawk. I know what can and may happen, but I refuse to give up my happiness for fear of those things. My husband loves his job and I love him. I have been married for fifteen years and have endured my husband when he has a job he doesn't like. It is miserable for our whole family. I have a choice in my life too. I can choose how I feel about my husbands job and I choose to be happy. It pays the bills and takes care of our family in so many ways.

Knowledge is power, but what kind of knowledge to we want to gain. What do we want to have in our lives. No matter what happens in the world around us, we choose what we allow into our lives. When we choose what we watch and read we are allowing those shows and books into our lives. What do you want in your life? More celebrity gossip? More stories of horrible crimes that give the perpetrator a voice?

I want so desperately to fight the trend and to say to all those who are doing evil, "I don't care about what you did and why you did it. I want to know the victors over the trauma that you inflicted. That is what I want to let into my life and brain. I don't care what your name is because I only want to remember those who do good. You may like to incite fear into people, but you can not have mine. I choose to fight fear and to celebrate those who came to the rescue and helped instead of hurt." So bring me more Cinderella stories please. I want to know those who overcame the worst life had to offer and still found their own way to happiness.

Chocolate!!!!

I have written a lot this last year about weight loss and exercise. Both are subjects I am very passionate about. Unfortunately, I have been struggling with the motivation for weight loss a lot lately. Instead of trying to beat myself up about, I resolve to remember that there is a time and a season for all things. I keep trying to and failing, but I know the real reason I am not able to keep up my motivation. It is because I am also trying really hard to get pregnant. It is not a subject that I like to talk about because it makes me very sad. The truth is I have two beautiful girls and they are enough. Yet in my heart I don't feel like I am done having kids. It is a subject I have thought and prayed about a lot.

Over the last two months of Clomid (a fertility drug I am taking to help me get pregnant) my emotional state has been erratic and I have been unable to control my eating. A few weeks ago as I reached the peak of my PMS and was stressed to the max after just finishing the latest round of bills and budgeting, I wanted chocolate. Not just a simple, "Oh some chocolate would be really nice right now." It was a full blown I will search the couch cushions or do whatever I have to do to have some chocolate experience. Standing in the kitchen with the words chocolate reverberating around my brain like some crazed addict, I came up with a plan. I had one more stick of butter in the house and ingredients for some no bake cookies. As I started to make them, things quickly got out of hand. I over boiled the sugar, butter, milk, cocoa mixture and it was hardening up. By the time the peanut butter and oats were added the cookies seemed more crumbly than moist. No problem, I have done this before. I knew what to do, add more milk. So I did....too much milk.

By the time I finished with these cookies they were overly wet and would not harden up no matter what. Yet, I still scraped those gooey globs of chocolate off the foil lined counter and consumed a mass quantity of calories and chocolate. Crisis averted.

Funny thing, last month when I started to take this wonderful medicine in the hopes of having my final baby sometime before I turn 40, I had warned my daughters and husband. I told them I would do the best that I could, but I have no control over the side effects of this medicine. I have been trying really hard to keep the side effects in check, but I feel nauseous a lot. My PMS consisted mostly of angry thoughts about everything and the rage has been hard to keep in check. Not to mention depression, dizzy spells, and so much more.

As I was driving home from the grocery store I had this silent talk with God in my head. Do I really have to do this; ie take this medicine? Is it even going to be worth it? Can't I just have it easy and simply get pregnant? Isn't there anyone out there who can give me a baby for free (I would pay if I could, but I can't afford the over $10,000 adoption fees)? 

My answer was simple. Heavenly Father reminded me of the Book of Mormon Story about Nephi going to get the brass plates with his brothers. Nephi said he would go and do what the Lord commanded because the Lord would prepare a way. Did that make it easy for Nephi to get the plates? No, it was still really hard and he risked his life to get those plates. Now I know because the Lord has let me know that I am not done having kids. I would be very happy to simply accept my two girls and be done with this whole fertility mess. Since I know that I am not done and that the Lord will bring a child to me in His own way and in His own time, what is a little anger, depression, nausea and everything else. Simply a trial of my faith and will I continue to follow the difficult path? You bet I will, I will go where my Lord leads me even if the way is not easy.

Christmas Letter 2015

Autry 2015

          The hills were covered in a dense fog that gave us a sense that we were traveling through the clouds. It was a surreal feeling as we searched for a house to rent. However, it was the people we met, not the beautiful scenery that made all the difference in the world. They gave us the welcome we needed and helped us find a place to rent for our new adventure in Pennsylvania. The scenery was an added bonus.

            The people we have and do meet are really what make all the difference in the world. If you are reading this letter, you are one of those people.  Thank you so much for being a part of our journey through life. We love you and are grateful to know you.

Reese turned 5 this year and moved into her 6^th residence and 4^th state. She started kindergarten and is enjoying it so much that she comes home and plays pretend school. She now wants to be a teacher. Celia turns 11 very soon and is now in the 5^th grade, which is middle school in this town. She is also sharing shoes with her mother, but not yet taller than her. (5 inches away)

John was promoted to Staff Sergeant and that promotion is the reason for our move. He is still a Flight Paramedic in the Army and absolutely loves his job. His favorite part of the move is that it necessitated an all wheel drive vehicle and he now owns a car he loves. (Subaru WRX AKA “the Second Wife”)

Jennifer has had a very busy year working on her writing. She has reviewed books for online newspapers, written articles for various sites, and is attempting to work on a novel. You can follow some of that writing on the blog: http://imperfectlymormon.blogspot.com/ 

We hope that this year has been filled with adventures, good times and even better friendships for you. May the love of Jesus Christ during this season and always bring you the peace that only our Lord can provide.

We send lots of love from our family to yours.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

My friend, Michael Steinmacher, is the head librarian over at Fort Knox. He asked our family to pose for some pictures for a press release on the library winning a national award for being such an awesome library. Since I would do almost anything to help the library out, I agreed. It really is a great library. Michael does a great job running it. So that is where our lovely family picture comes from.  I really liked the picture because we are all genuinely smiling and laughing. Pretty rare to get that from our family when the camera is on us. It was a really funny book, though. Made even funnier with John and Reese's side comments. 

Year in Writing

Last year I worked harder on writing than ever. I felt inspired to put myself out there more, even though that can be a nail biting experience. I have written when there was something worth saying and that has been almost every month this year; sometimes more. I have been led to sites to get my articles out there and have also been blessed to be asked to write for http://www.mum.info/. I have had some moderate success and I am very happy with what I have accomplished. Here are the links for my articles and book reviews for the year 2015. Review them if you like, but I think I will enjoy having them all in one place.

January - An article about an inspiring lds high school seminary and their efforts to unite with other seminaries around the world in putting on the armor of God. http://www.ksl.com/?nid=210&sid=33071082

February - A book review for "The Healer" By Gregg Luke http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865623063/Book-review-The-Healer-merges-Welsh-legends-spiritual-gifts-in-speculative-novel.html

March - A book review for "Bible Bands" http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865624668/Book-review-Bible-Bands-helps-readers-create-a-reminder-of-their-faith.html

April - A little parenting article http://familyshare.com/beware-the-perils-of-parent-karma
           A book review for "The Perilious Journey of the Not-So-Innocuous Girl" by Leigh Statham
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865625675/Book-Review-The-Perilous-Journey-of-the-Not-So-Innocuous-Girl-is-an-adventure-filled-romance.html

May - The article with the most hits on relationships http://www.familyshare.com/marriage/8-ways-to-rebuild-a-broken-relationship
       
June - An article on traits for the best parents http://www.familyshare.com/parenting/10-things-the-best-parents-do
          An article on exercise http://familyshare.com/health/7-tips-to-fitting-exercise-into-a-frenzied-mother-lifestyle
          Book review for "Princess in Disguise" by E.D. Baker
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865630196/Old-tales-new-twists-These-8-recent-novels-have-roots-in-fairy-tales-myths.html

July - A book review on "Love's Deception" by Kelly Nelson
 http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865633373/Book-review-Loves-Deception-delivers-a-clean-romance-full-of-complications.html

August - An article about moving to help families (appropriate since we moved in August)
http://www.mum.info/10-practical-tips-that-will-help-your-family-when-moving-out/

September - Book review on "Sunday lessons and Activities for Kids" edited by Marci McPhee
 http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865637108/Book-review-Sunday-Lessons-and-Activities-for-Kids-shares-experiences-tips-for-serving-in.html
                    An article about exercise and marriage http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865637399/Guest-commentary-How-exercise-saves-my-marriage.html

October - Book review on a couple Halloween books. http://www.deseretnews.com/top/3440/0/23-Halloween-books-for-young-readers-share-fun-spooky-stories.html
                 Exercise, weight, and self esteem article http://www.mum.info/why-losing-weight-helped-a-mothers-self-esteem-in-a-big-way/

December - An article about peace during difficult times. http://familyshare.com/faith/the-secret-to-peace-during-difficult-times-just-one-thing
                   An article about Christmas cards: http://familyshare.com/christmas/how-people-really-feel-when-they-get-your-holiday-card

In 2016 it is my goal to have either written an article or a blog post every week.  Since sometimes it takes a while to get an article published and sometimes they are rejected, there should be a great deal more blog posting in my near future. Honestly, writing is hard for me. Especially to put myself out there in a public forum where people have opinions and are not always nice. Even worse to let people inside my crazy head so that they could see my flaws. My writing can be very full of flaws. I would not even admit that I am a great writer. However, I know that I can improve and the only way to do that is to put in the time and write more.  I also feel very strongly this is what the Lord wants me to do. With the Lord I can do all things; even become a great writer. 2015 was a good year to start writing more and 2016 will be even better.

10,000 hours

You might not think that a computer mogel like Bill Gates and a prophet of God like President Thomas S. Monson have much in common, but you would be wrong. Not only do they have two things in common, but you have those same things in common as well.

In 1968 homes, didn't have computers. Neither did schools or a lot of colleges. Computers were big and took up an entire room and many people were unsure of what to do with them. However, a wealthy thirteen-year-old kid going to a private school had access to one because the school bought one. Later, that same kid, worked on a computer that a local college had on campus. He spent hours in front of computer screens programming and figuring out this wonderful new machine. He would sneak out of his house in the middle of the night to ensure he got even more time with the computer. Hours and hours were spent working with computers, until by the time he was a sophomore at Harvard University he dropped out and started a computer company with a friend. The kid is Bill Gates and that company is Microsoft.

There were two major contributing factors of Bill Gates' success. He had access to computers and he spent a lot of time working with them. "Researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten thousand hours." (pg 46 "Outliers The Story of Success" by Malcolm Gladwell) Bill Gates spent over 10,000 hours on computers before he was a sophomore in college during a time when most people had never even seen a computer. In order to gain true expertise in a skill/subject/etc, you need to have opportunity and time.

In 1950 at the ripe young age of 22, a man was called as a bishop to be in charge of a demanding and aging ward for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. A calling that was not sought after and for which he received no pay. Between that calling and a short calling as a counselor in the bishopric previous, he spent an estimated (if estimating 20 hours of service a week as bishop and 10 hours a week for being a counselor) five thousand four hundred and sixty hours in the service of our Lord. Those were hours spent praying for guidance, listening to the whisperings of the Holy Ghost, serving, leading, and being trained by the Lord. "President Harold B Lee once described Tom's five years of service as a bishop...equaling that of a bishop serving twenty-five years in any other ward." ("To The Rescue The Biography of Thomas S. Monson" by Heidi S. Swinton)

Then at the age of 27, this same man was called as a counselor in the stake presidency. This calling gave him an additional two thousand and eighty hours of leadership service for the church. That brought him up to eight thousand five hundred and forty hours of total leadership service. When he was 31, he was called as mission president and that required more than full time hours. In fact, other than sleep he only got 8 hours a week off from the calling. During that time he gained an additional five thousand four hundred and eight hours of training from the Lord.

By the time President Thomas S. Monson was called to be an apostle for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in October 1963 at the age of 36 he already had over thirteen thousand nine hundred and forty eight hours in leadership service; making him a true expert. However, this was still the beginning of his training. President Monson was an apostle for forty-five years before being called to be a prophet, seer, and revelator for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The Lord made sure that President Monson had the opportunity to gain all the expertise he needed to lead us today and President Monson put in all those hours.

We have been blessed with the knowledge he gained during his lifetime. Some of his well known sayings and pearls of wisdom are:

"Never postpone a prompting."
"What is most important almost always involves the people around us."

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."

"Our most significant opportunities will be found in times of greatest difficulty."

"To find real happiness we must seek outside ourselves."

"Along your pathway of life you will observe that you are not the only traveler. There are others who need your help. There are feet to steady, hands to grasp, minds to encourage, hearts to inspire, and souls to save."

President Monson's most recent message is: "As we follow the example of the Savior, ours will be the opportunity to be a light in the lives of others."

This is President Thomas S. Monson's message. Our Heavenly Father called him to be the leader of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints because he is truly an expert at listening to the Lord and leading. The Lord made sure that he was given the opportunity and President Monson has put in the hours. It is now the world's privilege to be blessed by his expert advice and counsel.

What are you doing with the opportunities the Lord gives you?

What are your 10,000 hours of expertise going to be in?

You have been given and have made opportunities for yourself. Whether they are in the business world like Bill Gates or in ways that serve your fellow man like President Thomas S. Monson, those opportunites are yours alone. The time you have spent in those opportunities are your legacy. In the scriptures, it states that the Lord needs everyone in building up His church. Everyone has a role to play and a purpose. "For as the body is one, and hath many members, and all the members of that one body, being many, are one body: so also is Christ." (1 Corinthians 12:12)

We all have time and opportunity. Will you follow the advice of President Monson and use your time to bless others? Will you lead others to Christ? What are you doing with your time?

Bill Gates, President Thomas S. Monson, and you have been given time and opportunity. Bill gates helped bring computers into homes and President Monson helps bring us closer to the Lord. The opportunities are different for everyone and what you do with your time is your choice, but everyone is given those two things. With time and opportunity we decide the legacy we leave in this world.