Even though I enjoy writing, especially inspirational tidbits that make people feel good, I struggle to really get too personal. I don't like to give too much information about me, myself and my family. Lately, I have been feeling that I need to and I guess I will work on that. I am sure that I will still find ways of sharing inspiration and hope to uplift others and help them grow closer to our Heavenly Father. So for the personal:
My house has been an utter mess for the last month and a half;boxes everywhere, chores not being done and me feeling crazy. We have been trying to figure out what we can live without for a year and what we need to take with us. Slowly the stuff in my house is disappearing and the storage unit is filling. You see; My girls and I are moving in with my parents while my husband continues to inspire us from a far by deploying to the Middle East. I am a military wife and I have been for a while. However, this is the first time we have done a real deployment. There have been many long separations and two other possible deployments. The first deployment my husband was unable to go on due to an injury to his leg that required surgery, a plate and ten screws. The second deployment was cancelled last minute. Both of those experiences were so stressful. Life in many ways is stressful. We all have stuff to deal with.
Our family has known that this deployment was coming and for a long time we thought about moving in July so that the girls would only have one school to go to this year. In April, I was called into our Bishops office (a local church congregation leader) and asked if I would serve as the Relief Society President (in charge of the women of the local congregation and their needs). I did not want the calling and was at that time thinking of moving in July. So it took prayer and fasting before I could answer our Bishop. We decided that I would accept the calling and we would put off our move until John got official orders for the deployment. Which are due in a couple weeks, ironically the same day we pack up to move. We debated moving in November, but training schedules changed and we decided to move at the end of September.
So while I have been working on moving the stuff into storage that we won't take and packing the rest up, I have also been attempting to help the women at church. Sometimes it is just a phone call or a visit to the hospital, at other times I help the ward provide food for a family in need. Whatever the Lord or Bishop feel needs to be done, is done. Thankfully I have lots of amazing helpers. Still, it feels like a lot some days and I am extremely overwhelmed. At other times I am grateful for so much keeping me busy because it gives me less time to worry and stress.
Additionally, there are so many emotions involved when you know a loved one is going to leave you for an extended period of time. There is anger and a desire to push them away. Almost as if you are trying to prepare yourself mentally to not need them around. "How dare he leave us" is a thought I have on occasion. Then there is pride in him and his willingness to serve. I know it will be even harder for him to be away from his girls and he will miss things, but he does it because he wants to help people and save lives. He wants to do his job. Most of the time I want to be around John every possible minute that I can and that makes me feel clingy. Which I do not like.
That part of the emotions is hard, but there are also good things. I am so excited to be around my family and my newest little nephew, who is just a week old. I love them so much and really look forward to being able to spend time with them. Sadly, it has been hard to allow myself to feel this excitement too much and I need to work on that. I just keep thinking how can I be excited when the biggest piece of my heart with be thousands of miles away. I can't be excited for that. I can't be excited for the worry and fear I will have to battle everyday over him. I think I might pray for world peace with an added fervor now. I will also pray that he has a boring deployment and stay out of harms way.
In the midst of all of this and so much more, I have been taking fertility medicine to get pregnant. Do I want to be pregnant while my husband is gone and possibly have the baby without him? excuse my language, but Hell NO. I don't want any of this, but life is like that and you just have to adjust. I have been trying for years to get pregnant and because of all the training trips my husband has gone on this year there have only been two chances to get pregnant.This last month may very well be our last chance for over a year. I am not getting younger and I am sick of trying to get pregnant. I have literally spent well over a decade of my life in that pursuit (which would be less frustrating, if I had better results). Unfortunately taking this medicine, has meant that most of this month I have felt the desire to cry over nothing. I have had to work extra hard at keeping my anger and frustrations under check. I know I am extra tired and working out has been a horrible chore that exhausts me more than I want to admit. It has been an exercise in self-control and some moments I have succeeded more than others.
Still if it works out it might just be worth it and if not....BUT IF NOT...I will still trust in the Lord and find what he wants me to do. I am praying for strength either way because I need it. Mostly I need help with mental strength because that is where I am dealing with most of my struggles anyways. So that is my little bit of personal.
Whatever you are dealing with, you can do it. I know that this too will pass and soon I will be welcoming my husband home with open arms and fighting for his attention from his daughters. Then we will be moving to another new place; maybe California, Colorado, Florida or possibly back to Kentucky. Of course, we never know and I have to just take a deep breath and remember "One step is Enough for Me" - The line comes from a church hymn and I often say it to myself during these times. I don't need to know what will happen in a year and where we will be, one step is all I need. That one step is moving to Georgia and being around so many wonderful friends and family.
