Here is the talk:
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/05/but-if-not.p1?lang=eng
(Side note on what a Seventy is: A leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The prophet leads our church under the direction of Jesus Christ, then he has apostles that help him and seventies who help after that in the various locations of the church worldwide.)
I have to admit that just before this time, in 2002 and 2003, I struggled to stay close to my Heavenly Father. I was so angry with him that He was not allowing me to get pregnant. After all, it was a righteous desire and it should be easy. I was even more frustrated when I did all of the testing for infertility and they came back saying we were a picture perfect couple. There was no reason we should not be getting pregnant. Still I was not getting pregnant. I even tried Clomid to help speed up the process of getting pregnant. After two months, I ended up getting a kidney stone and a cyst on my ovaries. Not to mention the hormones that I subjected my body to and the mood swings that made life difficult. However, I did eventually end up pregnant. Twice in fact.
So why am I bringing up all this ancient history when I have two beautiful girls. Well, I am saying this because of my last post. In it I had expressed how I was trying to get pregnant and we once again used Clomid. Which frankly was a horrible time to use that medicine. Here we are in the midst of so many preparations for deployment and a move down South and I am barely hanging on emotionally. That sounds like a great time for extra hormones right? NO, no it wasn't. There was one day in particular that everything and everyone was bothering me. I could feel this need to scream and vent frustration out on anyone in sight. I expressed my struggle to my daughters and they tried to give me plenty of space that day. They are smart like that. Still it took all my self control not to blow up and act like a start raving lunatic.
In taking this medicine, I pleaded with the Lord that I would get pregnant and all of those struggles would be worth it. I also added the BUT IF NOT phrase in my prayer, but really hoped it wouldn't come to that.
In case you are curious, I did indeed need the BUT IF NOT phrase. I am not pregnant and there is not really any chance I will be for a year. My BUT IF NOT was that I would be OK if it did not happen. That I would be able to accept God's will for my family and find what He wants us to do. I have not felt like I am done with children and so I have kept baby clothes, furniture and various other things that would have long since been disposed of. In the last 6 years we have moved into 6 separate houses in four states. I have hated hauling that stuff around over the years. Still we are not done and when I came close to getting rid of some things, my daughter questioned me. "Didn't you say you weren't done having kids? Why would you get rid of that?" She had pointed out my lack of faith. Didn't I believe that God answered my prayer?
So I have kept all that stuff. When I initially realized I was not pregnant, I kind of shut my emotions of. Then I immersed myself into a book to forget. Unfortunately, I happened to be reading a drama that centered around a baby. The good thing about this book was that it allowed me to release all my pent up emotions and cry. So I allowed myself a day to mourn the loss and then I got on with my life. Back to work doing all the things that needed doing around the house. I could not have and did not do this in 2002. It was all so much harder then. When I was angry at God for not giving me what I wanted.
Now that I have made peace with God and realized that He has a reason for all things, I can truly say that even if things don't work out the way I want (BUT IF NOT) they do work out the way God intends.
I am sorry that I am not announcing a pregnancy, but we are considering fostering or adopting in a year. Whatever we do, I know the Lord will have led us to this point for a reason. In the end, the path will make sense.
