Being Anxiously Engaged

       This is a talk that I gave at church earlier this year. In my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) the members of the local congregation are asked to take turns speaking during the first hour of church by the local leaders. This is my talk that I gave with some modification upon delivery.  I have felt like I needed to put it here for a while. :)

        I remember going to a Time Out for Women event many years ago.  One of the speakers talked about the world we live in today compared to world that Joseph Smith lived in. He mentioned that it is almost impossible to have complete silence and true darkness now. There are street lights, machines, and other modern day conveniences that make some sort of noise or produce some sort of light almost everywhere. However, Joseph Smith was brought up in an era where there were a lot less distractions. His house was not filled with ipods, tvs, computers, or even very many books. They did have the family bible and a lot of time to work hard for the basic necessities of life like food, land, and clothes. While they worked they didn’t have mp3 players to keep them entertained. They were left to conversations with one another and their own thoughts.

        This is probably one of the many reasons that Joseph Smith had a lot of time to think about the scriptures he read and to really dwell on which church he wanted to join. His experiences eventually led him to pray and in answer to that prayer he was able to see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because of Joseph Smith’s life we enjoy the Book of Mormon and other scriptures as well as the reestablished church just as Christ originally established it when he came to the earth.

        The problem for us today is that we don’t have silence. There are so many forms of entertainment and an abundance of things we can do just about every minute of every day. Boredom is almost a thing of the past. Instead the problems we face are trying to decide what we want to do with our time from the many options available.

        In a book called Ouliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about how a person needs to spend 10,000 hours doing something in order to become an expert at it. I have thought a lot about that over the last few years. What do I want to become an expert at and what am I spending my time doing?

      In the scripture D&C 58:27 it states “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;” under the subheading for Anxiously it states synonyms for the word: dedication, diligence, good works, industry, zeal

          So in an attempt to figure out what every person should be anxiously engaged in on a regular basis I have come up with a list. Lists are very popular these days.

  Here is my list of the Top Five Ways to be anxiously engaged on a regular basis

• 1.    Read your scriptures
• 2.    Go to church and try to really truly partake of the sacrament and participate in all the meetings
• 3.    Pray
• 4.    Love those around you, especially your family
• 5.    Listen for the promptings of the Holy Ghost about what you need to do and have the strength to follow through

        By the time I got to number 3, many of you were probably rolling your eyes or maybe even falling asleep and saying that these are just the typical Sunday school answers. Nothing new or different. You are of course right, but just because you have heard it a million times does not make those answers any less right. In Alma 37:6 it states “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.” We must never think that we no longer need to read our scriptures, go to church, or pray. When we do these small and simple things we truly do gain greater knowledge and it allows God to do great things with us and our lives. After all, how can we expect to become expert in those simple things if we don’t put in our 10,000 hours.

         Daily Scripture study and prayer helps us to put into action the promises we make every Sunday when we partake of the sacrament. We promise every Sunday that we will always remember him. Since actions speak so much louder than words, it shows our Heavenly Father how much He truly means to us when we put down that game or app on our phone and turn off the tv or forgo whatever our vise is for a few minutes every day to read his words and speak to Him who gave us all.

           The fourth way to be anxiously engaged is Love. I guess that is pretty fitting since it is Valentines Day this week. Loving someone isn’t a one day event, though. It is not always easy and sometimes can be downright hard. Yet when the Savior was asked , “Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou Shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” 

       Wow, this Loving people stuff is pretty important if that is what Jesus says is the great commandment. When we serve and love others, we are once again putting into action our commitment to our Heavenly Father. We are showing that we  want to follow our Savior.

During my second year of college I was going through some difficult times. I was having issues with roommates and I felt pretty down. I was asked to teach a Sunday lesson on the worth of souls and while preparing for that lesson I was given a gift. Instead of barely glancing at the people I passed in the hall. I was able to look at them and see what our Savior sees. I didn’t focus on the pimples, weird clothing choices, or whatever else I would normally see. At that time I saw everyone as a child of God with value and purpose. I wish that I could have kept that forever, but I am grateful that I could see that way for a short time. It changed me and made me want to look for the good in people.

      Sometimes the hardest people to see the value in and love are the people that we spend our time with every day. The longer we are with them, the more time Satan has to expose flaws and to get us to focus on those. However if we want to love someone we not only need to see the good in them, but we need to help them to see the good in themselves as well. That is what it means to truly love someone.

       Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson is one of the greatest examples of love alive today. He spent a lot of time and energy reaching out to people on an individual basis. He even used some of his vacation time to spend with those who needed him most, the widows of the ward he was called to be a bishop over at the time. One of my favorite quotes from President Monson is, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

       When we do the first four things it is a lot easier to do the last one and hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. Each and every one of us has specific things that we need to do in our life. The only way we can do them is by finding out from Heavenly Father what they are and then having the courage and determination to do them. The things I feel compelled to focus my life and energy on are not going to be the same as someone else.

For years I have heard that it is important to have a food storage. At times I have made a meager attempt to do so, but I have never really felt like that is an area I need to focus on. At this point in my life I am glad. Moving with a lot of food storage and having to store it for a year would not be a good use of my finances or energy. However, I have a friend that at one time felt very inspired to get food storage. She was living in Hawaii when 911 happened and all outside food sources were cut off for a while. The shelves at the stores became bare and many people were trying to find food. She didn’t have to worry and was very grateful that she had listened to that prompting and gotten some food storage.

      A few years ago I was sitting in a sacrament meeting thinking about how hard it is for me to bear my testimony, not just in a testimony meeting but also on an everyday basis. At that time the Holy Ghost whispered to me that the only way to get better was practice. So I have been practicing listening to the Holy Ghost and bearing my testimony. I hope that over the years I have improved, but it still makes me very nervous. Since then, I have had opportunities to bear my testimony in difficult circumstances and I know the practice helped me through those times.

     We all have areas we can improve and we can seek the Lord’s guidance to know what we need to improve and how we can do it. However, each and every one of us also has specific things that the Lord wants us to do.

       In D&C 107:99 it says “Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence.”  When we receive a calling at church, we are essentially being told that Heavenly Father wants us to spend our time doing this calling. Maybe he wants us to improve in our teaching skills, organization skills, or communication skills. Maybe there is a specific person He needs us to help. Whatever it is, we are given callings for a reason

       When we read our scriptures, go to church prepared to learn and participate, pray, love others and ourselves, and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost we are being anxiously engaged. In the verse following the one about being anxiously engaged it states “For the power is in them wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.”

        We all have the exact same amount of hours every day. What we choose to do with our time will be different. However, when we choose to be anxiously engaged in the work of the Lord and do what He wants for us there are great rewards. Some of them will come after this life, but we will have greater peace and strength now as make good choices and spend our 10,000 hours in worthy pursuits.

The Ripple Effect

You have heard of and probably even seen the ripple effect that happens on water. It starts with one simple thing touching the water's surface, then a circle appears around that spot. That one circle in the water creates a second and a third and on it goes as the ripple spreads. That is the way my moments and days of depression start. I think one simple thought and unfortunately I let that thought continue not just above the surface of my consciousness, but I let it touch me. Soon the ripples have spread and the one little thought has expanded to an abundance of negative thoughts and an overwhelming wave of sadness that absorbs the calm inside.

Sometimes that first negative thought is that I really am unattractive, like it was two weeks ago. Then I will start to pick apart every aspect of myself. Starting with my face and body. It will become impossible for me to look at myself in the mirror because I no longer see anything of value there. Video chatting with my husband is torture because I want to cover that little picture of myself up. I want to see him, but not be seen because how could anyone love someone who looks and acts like me.

Those thoughts begin to grow and next thing I know in my head my marriage has ended and I am devastated in a very real and poignant way. Being stuck in my head is not always a good place to be.

On a side note: I guess it does show me how much I love and truly need my husband in my life. He is my other half. The one that says silly things and makes me laugh...without him I can become too serious and stuck in my head.

A few weeks ago those negative thoughts and depression overcame me. I was unable to focus on anything, but those negative thoughts. The internal battle was a very difficult fight and I really hoped and had faith that I would be the one to issue the knock out punch. I did, but it took time, the Lord's help, Moana and a loving mother (not necessarily in that order).

First I will start with my mother. She knew I was struggling and knew that my "internal dialogue" as she called it was very negative and needed a change. One night she told me that she was going to give me some words to look in a mirror and say and that I needed to say them. She said (something along these lines, I am not good at memorization), "I am beautiful. I have value. I am a wonderful and caring person." Mom even encouraged me to repeat them after her. I don't think I did. Not because I didn't like her idea, but because I knew I couldn't say them without crying and I was sick of crying. Crying in front of others makes me feel weak.

Second, I prayed a lot. On my knees, in my head, every chance I could get. I asked for help from our loving Heavenly Father.

Third, the Holy Ghost whispered in my head that I needed to listen to the soundtrack of Moana. My favorite part of that whole movie is when Moana fails and she gives up. Then her reincarnated Manta Ray grandmother, Tala, comes and she sings to her and asks her a simple question. "Moana, do you know who you are?" I listened to that song too many times to count and I kept listening to it and I kept singing along to it even though I do not have a good voice (thankfully I was alone in the car).  Then I started to fight back against those negative thoughts and depression.

Jennifer, Do you know who you are?

I am Jennifer Autry, I am the daughter of two amazing parents who love me. I am the wife of an inspiring and giving man who loves me. I am the mother of two beautiful strong girls who need to see my weakness as well as my strength to know that I have overcome challenges and they can too. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who never leaves me alone; who sends angels (thanks Aunt Susan) to help me when I need it and He sees in my so much more than I could ever imagine. I have a part to play and it is a good one, my part. I may be the crazy grandma or a silly chicken or maybe even just the silent, but ever present water (go see Moana if you don't understand these references it is pretty good). Whatever part I have to play in life doesn't matter, what matters is that I don't give up or give in to the negative thoughts that will drive me down and make me incapable of any action other than laying on my floor begging for escape from my mental torment.

I felt so much better after I started to fight back. Which was a good thing because there was a problem with the car on that same car ride and I needed my sanity that day. I hope that I remember this day and that the minute a negative thought tries to get inside my head I fight back. I say no, you can not stay here. I know who I am and you are not welcome here.

Anyone who reads this and may be struggling their own internal or external hell, please don't forget who you are and fight the negative thoughts. Look up and know that you have a part to play and it is a good one.

2016 Christmas letter

Since we knew our time in Pennsylvania would be short, we tried to make the best of it. We were able to visit Palmyra, New York and see where our Church was re-established in latter days. We were also able to go to the priesthood restoration site and see where priesthood was restored. Some of our other favorites were Niagara Falls, New York City, Statue of Liberty, Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, Gettysburg, Washington D.C., Valley Forge, Bird In Hand (no joke that is the name of a city in Pennsylvania- it has a large Amish community), Hershey, and Philadelphia (we had some nice cheese steaks and toured a recently finished temple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints).

We only spent a short time at many of these places and hopefully we will be able to go again when we have more time. Still, we truly feel blessed for all of these experiences and for the amazing friends that we made in Pennsylvania. They have become a part of our hearts, just like our other family and friends over the years. Thank you for being a part of our family.

At the end of September we moved in with my parents, so that John could train for and eventually deploy to Afghanistan with the Army.

Reese is adjusting pretty well to the move, but misses her daddy a lot and is not looking forward to the deployment. She loves her new school and the fact that she gets to hug and play with her cousin Lexi during recesses. She also loves gymnastics and will often try to show us her latest tricks.  Right now she wants to be a doctor, vet, teacher, and mother all at the same time. Reese is beautiful and kind and dramatic.

Celia is becoming a beautiful young woman right before our eyes and refuses to quit growing no matter how many times we ask. She loves her guinea pigs and plans on becoming a veterinarian someday. She frequently rolls her eyes when her dad teases that we are going to eat her guineas. She also loves YouTube videos, her phone, baking, friends, talking, and spending time with family. Celia was able to be a part of a local production of The Little Mermaid with good friends and really enjoyed it.

Jennifer started the year out as a teacher’s aide for the local middle school. It was a challenging, rewarding, and eye-opening experience. She is actively working on writing a novel and hopes to finish it soon because it has been an on-and-off project for the last 4 years.

John was able to do a half Ironman in Indiana this year. He has wanted to do an Ironman and is very glad he did. Other than that, he still loves his job as a flight paramedic and spends lots of time devoted to it. He is ready to serve our country and help save lives, although he will miss his girls.

This year the word sacrifice has new meaning. While at Gettysburg, we learned about Elizabeth Thorne. She was the wife of the local cemetery caretaker. When the civil war started, her husband went off to war. She was pregnant and had three little boys. During the fighting she had to flee and afterwards she came home, 6 months pregnant, to a trashed house and had to bury the dead with some help from her father. Elizabeth is one of many who have sacrificed for the United States of America and somehow hearing stories like that makes our sacrifice easier to bear. We are very grateful for the many sacrifices of others. Their examples inspire us.

We are especially grateful for Jesus Christ and His sacrifice and example. He is the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all our friends and family.

These are some of the family pictures my sister LaFae was nice enough to take for us.  Only one made the cut, but I kind of love the silly ones that show our personality more so I included them here for your enjoyment. Oh and yes, Reese is indeed biting my head in that one picture.