Being Anxiously Engaged

       This is a talk that I gave at church earlier this year. In my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) the members of the local congregation are asked to take turns speaking during the first hour of church by the local leaders. This is my talk that I gave with some modification upon delivery.  I have felt like I needed to put it here for a while. :)

        I remember going to a Time Out for Women event many years ago.  One of the speakers talked about the world we live in today compared to world that Joseph Smith lived in. He mentioned that it is almost impossible to have complete silence and true darkness now. There are street lights, machines, and other modern day conveniences that make some sort of noise or produce some sort of light almost everywhere. However, Joseph Smith was brought up in an era where there were a lot less distractions. His house was not filled with ipods, tvs, computers, or even very many books. They did have the family bible and a lot of time to work hard for the basic necessities of life like food, land, and clothes. While they worked they didn’t have mp3 players to keep them entertained. They were left to conversations with one another and their own thoughts.

        This is probably one of the many reasons that Joseph Smith had a lot of time to think about the scriptures he read and to really dwell on which church he wanted to join. His experiences eventually led him to pray and in answer to that prayer he was able to see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Because of Joseph Smith’s life we enjoy the Book of Mormon and other scriptures as well as the reestablished church just as Christ originally established it when he came to the earth.

        The problem for us today is that we don’t have silence. There are so many forms of entertainment and an abundance of things we can do just about every minute of every day. Boredom is almost a thing of the past. Instead the problems we face are trying to decide what we want to do with our time from the many options available.

        In a book called Ouliers, Malcolm Gladwell talks about how a person needs to spend 10,000 hours doing something in order to become an expert at it. I have thought a lot about that over the last few years. What do I want to become an expert at and what am I spending my time doing?

      In the scripture D&C 58:27 it states “Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;” under the subheading for Anxiously it states synonyms for the word: dedication, diligence, good works, industry, zeal

          So in an attempt to figure out what every person should be anxiously engaged in on a regular basis I have come up with a list. Lists are very popular these days.

  Here is my list of the Top Five Ways to be anxiously engaged on a regular basis

• 1.    Read your scriptures
• 2.    Go to church and try to really truly partake of the sacrament and participate in all the meetings
• 3.    Pray
• 4.    Love those around you, especially your family
• 5.    Listen for the promptings of the Holy Ghost about what you need to do and have the strength to follow through

        By the time I got to number 3, many of you were probably rolling your eyes or maybe even falling asleep and saying that these are just the typical Sunday school answers. Nothing new or different. You are of course right, but just because you have heard it a million times does not make those answers any less right. In Alma 37:6 it states “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.” We must never think that we no longer need to read our scriptures, go to church, or pray. When we do these small and simple things we truly do gain greater knowledge and it allows God to do great things with us and our lives. After all, how can we expect to become expert in those simple things if we don’t put in our 10,000 hours.

         Daily Scripture study and prayer helps us to put into action the promises we make every Sunday when we partake of the sacrament. We promise every Sunday that we will always remember him. Since actions speak so much louder than words, it shows our Heavenly Father how much He truly means to us when we put down that game or app on our phone and turn off the tv or forgo whatever our vise is for a few minutes every day to read his words and speak to Him who gave us all.

           The fourth way to be anxiously engaged is Love. I guess that is pretty fitting since it is Valentines Day this week. Loving someone isn’t a one day event, though. It is not always easy and sometimes can be downright hard. Yet when the Savior was asked , “Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou Shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” 

       Wow, this Loving people stuff is pretty important if that is what Jesus says is the great commandment. When we serve and love others, we are once again putting into action our commitment to our Heavenly Father. We are showing that we  want to follow our Savior.

During my second year of college I was going through some difficult times. I was having issues with roommates and I felt pretty down. I was asked to teach a Sunday lesson on the worth of souls and while preparing for that lesson I was given a gift. Instead of barely glancing at the people I passed in the hall. I was able to look at them and see what our Savior sees. I didn’t focus on the pimples, weird clothing choices, or whatever else I would normally see. At that time I saw everyone as a child of God with value and purpose. I wish that I could have kept that forever, but I am grateful that I could see that way for a short time. It changed me and made me want to look for the good in people.

      Sometimes the hardest people to see the value in and love are the people that we spend our time with every day. The longer we are with them, the more time Satan has to expose flaws and to get us to focus on those. However if we want to love someone we not only need to see the good in them, but we need to help them to see the good in themselves as well. That is what it means to truly love someone.

       Our prophet, Thomas S. Monson is one of the greatest examples of love alive today. He spent a lot of time and energy reaching out to people on an individual basis. He even used some of his vacation time to spend with those who needed him most, the widows of the ward he was called to be a bishop over at the time. One of my favorite quotes from President Monson is, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved.”

       When we do the first four things it is a lot easier to do the last one and hear the whisperings of the Holy Ghost. Each and every one of us has specific things that we need to do in our life. The only way we can do them is by finding out from Heavenly Father what they are and then having the courage and determination to do them. The things I feel compelled to focus my life and energy on are not going to be the same as someone else.

For years I have heard that it is important to have a food storage. At times I have made a meager attempt to do so, but I have never really felt like that is an area I need to focus on. At this point in my life I am glad. Moving with a lot of food storage and having to store it for a year would not be a good use of my finances or energy. However, I have a friend that at one time felt very inspired to get food storage. She was living in Hawaii when 911 happened and all outside food sources were cut off for a while. The shelves at the stores became bare and many people were trying to find food. She didn’t have to worry and was very grateful that she had listened to that prompting and gotten some food storage.

      A few years ago I was sitting in a sacrament meeting thinking about how hard it is for me to bear my testimony, not just in a testimony meeting but also on an everyday basis. At that time the Holy Ghost whispered to me that the only way to get better was practice. So I have been practicing listening to the Holy Ghost and bearing my testimony. I hope that over the years I have improved, but it still makes me very nervous. Since then, I have had opportunities to bear my testimony in difficult circumstances and I know the practice helped me through those times.

     We all have areas we can improve and we can seek the Lord’s guidance to know what we need to improve and how we can do it. However, each and every one of us also has specific things that the Lord wants us to do.

       In D&C 107:99 it says “Wherefore, now let every man learn his duty, and to act in the office in which he is appointed, in all diligence.”  When we receive a calling at church, we are essentially being told that Heavenly Father wants us to spend our time doing this calling. Maybe he wants us to improve in our teaching skills, organization skills, or communication skills. Maybe there is a specific person He needs us to help. Whatever it is, we are given callings for a reason

       When we read our scriptures, go to church prepared to learn and participate, pray, love others and ourselves, and follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost we are being anxiously engaged. In the verse following the one about being anxiously engaged it states “For the power is in them wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.”

        We all have the exact same amount of hours every day. What we choose to do with our time will be different. However, when we choose to be anxiously engaged in the work of the Lord and do what He wants for us there are great rewards. Some of them will come after this life, but we will have greater peace and strength now as make good choices and spend our 10,000 hours in worthy pursuits.

The Ripple Effect

You have heard of and probably even seen the ripple effect that happens on water. It starts with one simple thing touching the water's surface, then a circle appears around that spot. That one circle in the water creates a second and a third and on it goes as the ripple spreads. That is the way my moments and days of depression start. I think one simple thought and unfortunately I let that thought continue not just above the surface of my consciousness, but I let it touch me. Soon the ripples have spread and the one little thought has expanded to an abundance of negative thoughts and an overwhelming wave of sadness that absorbs the calm inside.

Sometimes that first negative thought is that I really am unattractive, like it was two weeks ago. Then I will start to pick apart every aspect of myself. Starting with my face and body. It will become impossible for me to look at myself in the mirror because I no longer see anything of value there. Video chatting with my husband is torture because I want to cover that little picture of myself up. I want to see him, but not be seen because how could anyone love someone who looks and acts like me.

Those thoughts begin to grow and next thing I know in my head my marriage has ended and I am devastated in a very real and poignant way. Being stuck in my head is not always a good place to be.

On a side note: I guess it does show me how much I love and truly need my husband in my life. He is my other half. The one that says silly things and makes me laugh...without him I can become too serious and stuck in my head.

A few weeks ago those negative thoughts and depression overcame me. I was unable to focus on anything, but those negative thoughts. The internal battle was a very difficult fight and I really hoped and had faith that I would be the one to issue the knock out punch. I did, but it took time, the Lord's help, Moana and a loving mother (not necessarily in that order).

First I will start with my mother. She knew I was struggling and knew that my "internal dialogue" as she called it was very negative and needed a change. One night she told me that she was going to give me some words to look in a mirror and say and that I needed to say them. She said (something along these lines, I am not good at memorization), "I am beautiful. I have value. I am a wonderful and caring person." Mom even encouraged me to repeat them after her. I don't think I did. Not because I didn't like her idea, but because I knew I couldn't say them without crying and I was sick of crying. Crying in front of others makes me feel weak.

Second, I prayed a lot. On my knees, in my head, every chance I could get. I asked for help from our loving Heavenly Father.

Third, the Holy Ghost whispered in my head that I needed to listen to the soundtrack of Moana. My favorite part of that whole movie is when Moana fails and she gives up. Then her reincarnated Manta Ray grandmother, Tala, comes and she sings to her and asks her a simple question. "Moana, do you know who you are?" I listened to that song too many times to count and I kept listening to it and I kept singing along to it even though I do not have a good voice (thankfully I was alone in the car).  Then I started to fight back against those negative thoughts and depression.

Jennifer, Do you know who you are?

I am Jennifer Autry, I am the daughter of two amazing parents who love me. I am the wife of an inspiring and giving man who loves me. I am the mother of two beautiful strong girls who need to see my weakness as well as my strength to know that I have overcome challenges and they can too. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who never leaves me alone; who sends angels (thanks Aunt Susan) to help me when I need it and He sees in my so much more than I could ever imagine. I have a part to play and it is a good one, my part. I may be the crazy grandma or a silly chicken or maybe even just the silent, but ever present water (go see Moana if you don't understand these references it is pretty good). Whatever part I have to play in life doesn't matter, what matters is that I don't give up or give in to the negative thoughts that will drive me down and make me incapable of any action other than laying on my floor begging for escape from my mental torment.

I felt so much better after I started to fight back. Which was a good thing because there was a problem with the car on that same car ride and I needed my sanity that day. I hope that I remember this day and that the minute a negative thought tries to get inside my head I fight back. I say no, you can not stay here. I know who I am and you are not welcome here.

Anyone who reads this and may be struggling their own internal or external hell, please don't forget who you are and fight the negative thoughts. Look up and know that you have a part to play and it is a good one.

2016 Christmas letter

Since we knew our time in Pennsylvania would be short, we tried to make the best of it. We were able to visit Palmyra, New York and see where our Church was re-established in latter days. We were also able to go to the priesthood restoration site and see where priesthood was restored. Some of our other favorites were Niagara Falls, New York City, Statue of Liberty, Independence Hall, Liberty Bell, Gettysburg, Washington D.C., Valley Forge, Bird In Hand (no joke that is the name of a city in Pennsylvania- it has a large Amish community), Hershey, and Philadelphia (we had some nice cheese steaks and toured a recently finished temple for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints).

We only spent a short time at many of these places and hopefully we will be able to go again when we have more time. Still, we truly feel blessed for all of these experiences and for the amazing friends that we made in Pennsylvania. They have become a part of our hearts, just like our other family and friends over the years. Thank you for being a part of our family.

At the end of September we moved in with my parents, so that John could train for and eventually deploy to Afghanistan with the Army.

Reese is adjusting pretty well to the move, but misses her daddy a lot and is not looking forward to the deployment. She loves her new school and the fact that she gets to hug and play with her cousin Lexi during recesses. She also loves gymnastics and will often try to show us her latest tricks.  Right now she wants to be a doctor, vet, teacher, and mother all at the same time. Reese is beautiful and kind and dramatic.

Celia is becoming a beautiful young woman right before our eyes and refuses to quit growing no matter how many times we ask. She loves her guinea pigs and plans on becoming a veterinarian someday. She frequently rolls her eyes when her dad teases that we are going to eat her guineas. She also loves YouTube videos, her phone, baking, friends, talking, and spending time with family. Celia was able to be a part of a local production of The Little Mermaid with good friends and really enjoyed it.

Jennifer started the year out as a teacher’s aide for the local middle school. It was a challenging, rewarding, and eye-opening experience. She is actively working on writing a novel and hopes to finish it soon because it has been an on-and-off project for the last 4 years.

John was able to do a half Ironman in Indiana this year. He has wanted to do an Ironman and is very glad he did. Other than that, he still loves his job as a flight paramedic and spends lots of time devoted to it. He is ready to serve our country and help save lives, although he will miss his girls.

This year the word sacrifice has new meaning. While at Gettysburg, we learned about Elizabeth Thorne. She was the wife of the local cemetery caretaker. When the civil war started, her husband went off to war. She was pregnant and had three little boys. During the fighting she had to flee and afterwards she came home, 6 months pregnant, to a trashed house and had to bury the dead with some help from her father. Elizabeth is one of many who have sacrificed for the United States of America and somehow hearing stories like that makes our sacrifice easier to bear. We are very grateful for the many sacrifices of others. Their examples inspire us.

We are especially grateful for Jesus Christ and His sacrifice and example. He is the reason for the season.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all our friends and family.

These are some of the family pictures my sister LaFae was nice enough to take for us.  Only one made the cut, but I kind of love the silly ones that show our personality more so I included them here for your enjoyment. Oh and yes, Reese is indeed biting my head in that one picture.   

I love technology

The last few months have been rough. Trying to adjust to living with my parents, having John gone for training and now officially deployed overseas, and getting to see John during the holidays only to say good-bye again have been challenging. During Thanksgiving John brought an almost life-size cardboard cutout of himself that the military made for promotional purposes. Some mornings I wake up and say hello or even I love you to it. I guess it will have to do for now.

I am so grateful for technology. I mean my husband is currently in Kuwait somewhere and he was able to video chat with me this morning. Not that I love him seeing my hair and face with all it's crazy I haven't gotten out of bed yet going on, but at least he couldn't smell my morning breath. Being able to take my phone into my girls room and have the first voice they hear in the morning be their fathers is pretty amazing if you ask me.

I have read books and talked to women who had to wait weeks and sometimes months for letters (which was their only form of communication). I am so glad that I am spoiled by technology.

Even with the wonderful technology advances it is still hard to have a deployed husband. The physical loss of him is still there. My bed is still ridiculously cold and lonely at night and somehow I kind of miss my butt being slapped all the time.

I just can't let myself think about that or dwell on that too long. Like a lot of other things. I really tried to get pregnant before he left. Part of me really hoped that if I did, then I wouldn't miss him physically. I would be cranky and pregnant and not want to be touched. I guess I felt that would be easier. I was pretty upset when I found out that I wasn't. I buried myself in "The Chemist" by Stephanie Meyer (a good, female smart not physical, Jason Bourne type novel that still has romance sprinkled in it and I would recommend for anyone who likes romance or Jason Bourne type action). I have cried so much the last week or so that it is probably no small wonder that my nose has a huge cold sore that I am trying to recover from. Which thanks to technology and video chats, I have not hidden from my husband.

Life has its hard moments and this last week or two have been very challenging.

Still, I won't stay like this because my girls need to see a strong mother and they need an example of how to get through the difficult times. So I am signing up for and doing a full marathon and I might even be doing an obstacle course run. Anyone want to do it with me?  I have also signed up for weight watchers with my mother and we are going to work on losing weight. I can honestly say that doing that has made me feel so much better. Eating in moderation and eating good foods makes a big impact on how my body feels and how I feel about myself. I like weight watchers because there are no foods you can't eat, you just can't go crazy and eat a whole bag of chocolates (at least not and expect a good result). However, I can have a treat every now and then and still lose weight. Shoot I could have a mini candy bar every day and still loose weight. I just can't have 10 mini candy bars. Once again technology is awesome because I have this little app on my phone that makes it super simple to keep track of what I eat and make sure that I am eating enough, but not too much.

I even use technology to track my runs and other exercise, all while listening to music. #blessedbytechnology

Technology also allows me to talk to and get support from the many other military spouses out there. I have a group of ladies that are sisters of the heart to me. I reached out to them this last week and I knew they could understand what I was feeling. They were awesome and they live all over the place. (Sorry Tammy for your -45 degree weather in Alaska) Thanks to technology I can shoot a message out to them and anyone else I need to and feel so much better. I can be reminded that I am not alone and that deployments can be survived. I watched them survive.

So what is the point of this, I don't know. But I love technology.

Confession

I am 36 and I still sleep with stuffed animals. Well mostly just the one. There it feels good to get that off my chest.

When I was a child, one year for Christmas, my parents got me a beautiful big snow leopard stuffed animal. I loved him. When we moved from California to Georgia when I was 14 years old, snow leopard came with me. When I went away to college and got on that plane all by myself, snow leopard came with me. Having snow leopard to snuggle with the whole flight made it easier for me to leave my home and family for the unknown future ahead. I am sure it looked weird to have an 18 year old girl on a plane with a snow leopard, but thankfully I have a little bit of a baby face and so I think I got away with it. (A creepy young man with a tongue fetish who was going to Vegas tried to hold snow leopard for a minute and I had to quickly swipe it back. That was a low moment for snow leopard.)

Throughout my two years in Utah at Brigham Young University, I slept with and kept snow leopard close by. He is the perfect size body pillow before body pillows were a thing. Over the years he has provided me a lot of comfort and is a constant in my world of change. Whenever I needed to snuggle and was sad, he has been there for me.

As soon as I got married, my husband replaced snow leopard in the bed. Still, I never got rid of him and would occasionally snuggle with snow leopard when I read. Then I started to have kids and they started to grow up. They sometimes play with snow leopard. Every once in a while they even want to sleep with him and as long as John is home, I have no problem sharing. It is a lot harder to share snow leopard when John is not home, though.

This last year our family was able to go to Disney World and have a wonderful vacation. Reese and John picked out a baby snow leopard for me at Animal Kingdom so that my big snow leopard would have a friend. Baby snow leopard is soft and perfect and I am very grateful for the gift.

Now that John is deploying, I curl up with both my snow leopards every night. One for a body pillow and the other for my arms. Somehow it is less lonely in the bed and I am always reminded of the beautiful people in my life. So thank you mom and dad for that wonderful Christmas gift. I don't think either one of us knew how important it would be in my life. Thank you Reese and my love, John.

Thumbs Up

A month before we moved from Pennsylvania to Georgia, my friend, Tera Gibb, asked me if I wanted to do a 10K beat the bus run with her. Since I absolutely love to run with Tera, I agreed. Unfortunately, it happened to be the last Saturday before we left. Leading up the race we got runs in when we could and I continued packing our house. Most of it was loaded into storage with help from my husband and oldest daughter, Celia. I didn't stress the 10k because "I have done half-marathons before, a 10k is no problem" right? Oh silly, silly me.

The last few weeks before we moved we were trying to get rid of food. There were few to no home cooked meals and we kept our house supplied with treats. So now you are beginning to see that I did not really train or prepare myself physically for this 10k. Still I was excited to do this beat the bus run and see if we could indeed beat the bus or if we were going to be too slow and need to be picked up.  

The morning of the race, I got my girls in the car and we headed out.  It was a cool and mildly foggy Autumn day in September. Since we love hanging out with the Gibb family, we were all excited.  Reese was able to do her first fun run with her friend Josie and earned her first medal (which ended up being bigger than ours).  Josie's older brother Tanner had been training for his run and easily took first place even though one girl was initially faster. 

Then it was me and Tera's turn. There was also a 5k going on that day and most of the runners were there for that one. We got to the starting line and I could tell that our crowd was mostly seasoned runners. Still it was discouraging when the race began and we were at the back of this pack of runners. I brushed it off and instead just focused on not being the absolute last ones to the finish line.

Tera and I were enjoying the splendid views of the lake and the beautiful Pennsylvania countryside during the not too difficult and flatter first half. Even though these views were spectacular, I was sad that there were not many spectators along the course. Some of my favorite memories from half marathons are the people who are on the sidelines either ringing their cowbells or cheering us on.  Even better are the silly signs that they hold up like: "Smile if you peed a little," "Why do all the cute ones run away," "Run fast, I just farted," "This is a lot of work for a free banana," or "Chuck Norris never ran a marathon." These signs make me laugh and I just love them.

Not one sign was on this course though. Then to make matters worse, as we got closer to the halfway point, I was struggling. My hips and right ankle hurt and I could feel all that horrible food I had been eating like a lead weight in my stomach. I don't think I had enough water in my system and I was just plain exhausted from the mental and physical stresses of a move. 

That was when the first 10k runners passed the turning point and started going the opposite direction; toward us and eventually the finish line. I am not sure who started it, but I think it was Tera. We started to shout words of encouragement to those runners and I would do a thumbs up or two. With each thumbs up or "Way to go" I started to forget the pains I was experiencing and my struggles. Instead I would make eye contact with runners and offer them support, often receiving support back. After passing the halfway point, we started to come across the 5K runners and Tera and I continued to offer encouragement to them. There was a large hill where I could no longer breath enough air to offer words, but I tried to offer thumbs up still. 

Then as we started to get within a couple miles of the 10k finish line, there were no longer any other runners to offer encouragement to. So Tera and I started to tell each other we got this and we could do it. It was a definite sigh of relief when we passed the point where the bus would no longer pick us up. Though honestly, I never doubted for a second that Tera wouldn't make it past that point and finish the race.  Those last few miles were definitely the hardest part of the run. Then with just a few hundred yards to go uphill to the finish line Tera started to go faster and even passed another lady to finish strong. I came up after Tera and the other lady, struggling to catch my breath. Still I finished.

This run was a hard one for me and I am so glad I did it. Especially because I learned a valuable lesson that day. Those experiences during the run have stayed with me and sunk deep inside. I felt better when I was cheering other people on. Now I am not a cheerleader by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I need to become more of one now. When we really try to help others out and support them, our trials lesson because our mind is no longer wrapped solely around our own struggles. Instead our minds have so many other things to think about. When we look for ways to encourage and lift others up, we become elevated as well.  It is not always easy.  Sometimes we are struggling to breath and all we can muster is a small thumbs up or nod hello.  It doesn't matter how big or how little it is. What matters is that we do it.  So if you are having a hard time right now, look for ways to help encourage and cheer others on during their struggle.  I promise it will change your life.  

But If Not

In April of 2004, just after I had found out that I was finally pregnant with my first daughter, Elder Simmons of the Seventy gave an inspiring talk about Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. They were threatened with death by fire and their response was that their God would save them, BUT IF NOT they would still hold true to their testimony and knowledge of God.

Here is the talk:

 https://www.lds.org/ensign/2004/05/but-if-not.p1?lang=eng

(Side note on what a Seventy is: A leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The prophet leads our church under the direction of Jesus Christ, then he has apostles that help him and seventies who help after that in the various locations of the church worldwide.)

I have to admit that just before this time, in 2002 and 2003, I struggled to stay close to my Heavenly Father. I was so angry with him that He was not allowing me to get pregnant. After all, it was a righteous desire and it should be easy. I was even more frustrated when I did all of the testing for infertility and they came back saying we were a picture perfect couple. There was no reason we should not be getting pregnant. Still I was not getting pregnant. I even tried Clomid to help speed up the process of getting pregnant. After two months, I ended up getting a kidney stone and a cyst on my ovaries. Not to mention the hormones that I subjected my body to and the mood swings that made life difficult. However, I did eventually end up pregnant. Twice in fact. 

So why am I bringing up all this ancient history when I have two beautiful girls. Well, I am saying this because of my last post. In it I had expressed how I was trying to get pregnant and we once again used Clomid. Which frankly was a horrible time to use that medicine. Here we are in the midst of so many preparations for deployment and a move down South and I am barely hanging on emotionally. That sounds like a great time for extra hormones right? NO, no it wasn't. There was one day in particular that everything and everyone was bothering me. I could feel this need to scream and vent frustration out on anyone in sight. I expressed my struggle to my daughters and they tried to give me plenty of space that day. They are smart like that. Still it took all my self control not to blow up and act like a start raving lunatic. 

In taking this medicine, I pleaded with the Lord that I would get pregnant and all of those struggles would be worth it. I also added the BUT IF NOT phrase in my prayer, but really hoped it wouldn't come to that. 

In case you are curious, I did indeed need the BUT IF NOT phrase. I am not pregnant and there is not really any chance I will be for a year. My BUT IF NOT was that I would be OK if it did not happen. That I would be able to accept God's will for my family and find what He wants us to do. I have not felt like I am done with children and so I have kept baby clothes, furniture and various other things that would have long since been disposed of. In the last 6 years we have moved into 6 separate houses in four states. I have hated hauling that stuff around over the years. Still we are not done and when I came close to getting rid of some things, my daughter questioned me. "Didn't you say you weren't done having kids? Why would you get rid of that?" She had pointed out my lack of faith. Didn't I believe that God answered my prayer?

So I have kept all that stuff. When I initially realized I was not pregnant, I kind of shut my emotions of. Then I immersed myself into a book to forget. Unfortunately, I happened to be reading a drama that centered around a baby. The good thing about this book was that it allowed me to release all my pent up emotions and cry. So I allowed myself a day to mourn the loss and then I got on with my life. Back to work doing all the things that needed doing around the house. I could not have and did not do this in 2002. It was all so much harder then. When I was angry at God for not giving me what I wanted. 

Now that I have made peace with God and realized that He has a reason for all things, I can truly say that even if things don't work out the way I want (BUT IF NOT) they do work out the way God intends.

I am sorry that I am not announcing a pregnancy, but we are considering fostering or adopting in a year. Whatever we do, I know the Lord will have led us to this point for a reason. In the end, the path will make sense.