Fear

A little before Christmas my family adopted a puppy. She is the most adorable Chihuahua Pekingese mix dog ever. Currently she weighs 7 lbs and that is probably as big as she will ever get. We have been wanting a dog ever since our Weimaraner dog, Maze, died a few years ago. However, we waited until after John's deployment and we were settled in our own home to get one. In the meantime John and Celia have looked at dog adoption websites planning and hoping for the family puppy for the last two years.

When we went to the shelter to meet Rae, she kept trying to hide and was very fearful. So we figured it would take a while for her to warm up to us. I started to do a lot of research on fearful dogs and how to help them. What I learned is that fear can be the hardest thing for a dog to unlearn and that the people in the house needed to have a calm and confident presence to help her overcome this fear. We also need to expose her to lots of situations and allow her to experience some confidence boosts.

(This is Rae that first night - so fearful)




Since it was an hour plus drive to bring Rae home, she threw up in her kennel on the way back. Then she stayed in a corner hiding the rest of that night.

Rae had never had a leash put on her and she would drop down refusing to move when we put one on her. So going on a walk was not possible that first week. Instead, I started putting a leash on her and walking/pulling her in a circle in our back yard. Every time I went out with her or she had to go potty I put the leash on her.

Celia kept holding her even when she didn't seem to want to be held and that helped as well.

The first night she was so scared that she didn't make a sound in her kennel by herself in the living room. After a day getting used to us, she started to whine at night and I brought her kennel into my room where she did much better. For a few weeks she woke me up in the middle of the night and I fed or took her potty, but then even that stopped. Now, she hardly ever barks and I was surprised to find that she could because it took so long for her to bark. The only place I have seen her bark a lot is at my friend's house when she barks at anyone who passes by the house.

Slowly, Rae has been warming up to me and my daughters. Now she takes long walks with me, loves to run short distances and is a playful fun puppy during the day. She loves to hang out with me and can often be found curled up on the computer or floor next to me.




(The video below is how Rae acts during the day. She is so fun and loving.)

Unfortunately, Rae has two different personalities. She is a fun loving puppy who chews, chases, and plays fetch during the weekdays and at night or on the weekends she is a fearful puppy who runs around the house hiding. What is the difference? John. For some reason she is so very afraid of my husband that she can't think straight. She won't eat when he is around or if his shoes are next to her food bowl. For a while she would run away from camo clothes, but I was able to break her of that by wearing camo myself and keeping it around the house so she got used to it.

(Rae let out a little Hershey squirt of poop after jumping by Reese in the video. Another tell tale sign of fear. Did you know you poop when you are afraid...well at least animals and some humans as well.)

It makes me so sad that my husband who has been looking at dogs for two years and was so very excited for one ended up with a dog who is so afraid of him. He can't even pet her.

All of this has been challenging, but it has also provided me with a strong visual of what fear looks like when it goes untreated. We are still working through this and praying that we can retrain our puppies brain to love and accept John. In fact, Rae is on medicine to help her calm down and do better because it isn't just John she is afraid of. She is afraid of loud noises, her shadow, men in general, big or aggressive dogs, and the list continues to grow.

Rae has definitely caused me to think a lot about fear, though. Really fear is not an uncommon thing for animals and even people today. I myself struggle with my own fears. I am afraid of failure and so sometimes I don't do something. I am afraid of rejection and so I struggle to reach out to new people.I could go on, but you get the picture. What I have realized is that fear can hold us back from some amazing life experiences. Just like Rae's fear is preventing her from being comfortable in her own home all the time and from creating a bond to an amazing man who wants to love her.

Fear can be challenging to overcome, but it is so worth it. This week as I was reading for my religion class I read the scripture Isaiah 41:10. "Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." When I lean into God through scripture study and prayer, drawing myself ever closer to Him, I am able to deal with and overcome my fears a lot easier than trying on my own. I find the strength and the ability to face my fear through Him. I am grateful for the support that is always there from God. I am also grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that wants to help strengthen me so He allows me struggle but also provides a way for me to deal with those struggles.

I hope that someday soon I will be writing a new post about how we were able to help Rae to overcome her fear of John and that they are now good friends. If not, look for another dog to be joining our family at the end of this year. My husband deserves a dog that loves him. (We fostered one for a weekend and I wanted so badly to keep the dog. Unfortunately, that dog could have eaten Rae and we don't have the extra money to spend on more pet deposits and things. It was a beautiful German Shepard. You can see a picture of her on my Instagram account. )

Hoping Against Reality - a little sad and a little funny

Sometimes in life, I hope against reality. I don't want something to be the way it is.  One of those things I don't want to believe is really real is the death of Amos Abplanalp. In order to write Hillary Albplanab's story I have been reading her blog. They are such a busy and involved family. Most of their days are filled with such good and service. Amos is particularly inspiring with all that he is doing for others while still struggling to deal with the pain of cancer and fight death off. As I am reading their story of the last few years they had together on earth, I find myself hoping that Amos will beat the cancer. He has so much good in him. We need people like him.

What I want and hope for isn't always what happens. I know that Amos eventually lost the battle against cancer. I am comforted to know that he may have lost his body to cancer for now, but he won his spirit in his daily walk with God here on earth. Surely, he is doing so much good as an angel now. His short life will continue to inspire so many others through his wife and children and all those he influenced while here. Now he is continuing to watch over them all with a lot less pain, but without them seeing him. I am grateful he is no longer in pain and the knowledge that he will see his family again.

It has made me so emotional to read their story.  If you would like to read it, go to http://www.familymann.org/amos.  Or if you want a brief story version, you can wait until my book comes out and read that.

So, I promised a little funny with the sad.

Sometimes I hope that I won't do something clumsy or that I will over come that specific trait. Unfortunately, that is another hope against reality.  The other day I drove our small 2 door bench seat Toyota Tacoma to the store for groceries. I have been trying not to drive our Toyota Camry very much because we still have a spare tire on that until we can get it fixed (less than one more month). While there I picked up some soda for my husband. They didn't have his favorite (Coke Zero Cherry) and so I got him Diet Coke. It was cheaper to get the big 24 pack than the 12 pack. So I got that and loaded it up behind the bench seat in the truck because that is where there is room for groceries.

I like to conserve time and energy so in an attempt to bring all the groceries inside in one trip I loaded up one hand with the bags and started to flip the box of Diet Coke with the other to expose the handle. Right about the time the handle was finally exposed was the same moment that I accidentally poked through the box with the metal arm seat release. Coke started to spew everywhere. The bags were dropped. The box carefully removed from the metal arm and ripped open to determine the damage. I don't know how I punctured two cans, but I did.

It was a lot of work to clean up the truck and those stinking cans are still waiting in the kitchen for me to clean.- I better go do that. Here is a picture of how I had to carefully carry the cans inside.  Maybe I should start calling the blog - occasional rants of a klutz.

Dreaded Playback

This year I am going to be working hard on a book that I am writing - (side note, it is really hard for me to even announce this because I have fears that maybe I won't be able to accomplish it. However, I have faith that it is something that the Lord wants me to do and I have confidence in Him.)

I started it last year and have already interviewed a few amazing people whose story and life is so inspiring that I get goose bumps even thinking about them. As I was listening to the recording of the interview that I did for Hillary Abplanalp there was a moment when I had to turn off the tape, hang my head down, and cringe. Sometimes I say things that I wish I could take back. I guess that is why I am so imperfect.

Here I was advising an experienced and talented musician about her daughters music career. Me, a completely tone def and untalented in music in every way person. The fact that I have that on tape is horrid and I am so sorry that I even did that. The only excuse that I can give is that it was only the second interview that I have ever done for writing and I was incredibly nervous.

I was so nervous to talk to someone that I have never even met. At times I wished that I could be doing the interview in person because there is no great way to communicate your thoughts and emotions to someone who is willingly telling their very personal story to you over the phone. I was writing notes the whole time, listening, and recording. I was very attentive, but very busy.

The truth is that as a youth I was so afraid to call people on the phone that I avoided it at all costs. Even now, I talk myself out of calling people all the time. They will be busy, they won't be able to talk, etc. However, I know this is a weakness that I need to overcome and so I am working on it.

The story of how I even was able to have that conversation with Hillary is amazing. I was one of millions of people who watched "America's Got Talent" over the summer and truly hoped to see Evie Clair win and for her father to survive his cancer diagnosis. The strength that Evie Clair showed was amazing and inspiring. The whole family is amazing really. I was so impressed and when I found out that they were member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that actually brought me some joy. Joy because when he did pass away, I knew that they knew it was not the end. Amos's spirit is still alive and they will see him again.

I sent a Facebook message to Hillary not even knowing if she would receive it or if she would respond asking her if she would be willing to be a part of a book that I am working on. I know I was inspired about what to write. I prayed so hard and have continued to pray for guidance. Hillary's response was quick and we were able to do the interview over the phone a few weeks from that initial message. I am so grateful for Hillary taking a chance on a relative novice to the book writing world.

Over the next year I will attempt to keep my family and friends in the loop on the book writing process and hopefully have a publisher for my book. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It is needed and appreciated.

Annual Christmas Letter - 2017 version

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Philippians 4:13) has been the theme for the Autry’s this year.

The year started with John deploying to Afghanistan with the Army. We had to learn how to remain close as a family even though we were thousands of miles away. Thankfully modern day technology was very helpful in this regard and almost every day we were able to video chat and pray together as a family. While John was away the girls got to spend some amazing time with family and friends in Georgia. We also took the opportunity to play tourist in Atlanta and were able to go to Medieval Times, the Coca Cola factory (Celia’s favorite), the Georgia Aquarium, Stone Mountain, Cabbage Patch land, the Atlanta Zoo, and go tubing in Helen. We loved our time in Georgia. One of our favorite days was spent in the temple with some of the Drummond family.

 John kept busy in Afghanistan helping clean mortuary affairs and helping set up a cross fit area for his unit as well as his usual job duties as a flight paramedic. It was a challenging and rewarding experience that he will remember forever. He came home at the beginning of August in order to do more training to help further his career in the Army. It was great to have him home before and after the training. John was very glad that he got some bonding time with his brother Chris because of our move to Texas. We are so grateful Chris was nice enough to drive with him from Georgia to Pennsylvania to load up our storage unit and then drive all the way to Texas after that. (Did I mention that we didn’t have the key to the storage unit and they had to pick the lock? Oops, we still haven’t found that key)

In addition to being able to spend time with Chris, we also got to go spend a weekend in Iowa with John’s twin brother Daniel and his family. We had such a fun time hanging out with them and were so grateful for the visit. It had been far too long since we last saw them. On the way back we were able to stop in and see our friends the Wagner’s and we enjoyed our night with them. John and Jennifer were able to have a few days together in a cabin in north Georgia. It was very nice and much needed time together. A mistake was made and our cabin ended up much bigger than expected so Celia and Reese joined us for the last night in the cabin. We played pool, enjoyed the hot tub and spent some time in Helen – a little tourist town in North Georgia that is built to look like a German town.

This year Jennifer started school again through The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint’s Pathways program. She relied heavily on the strength of Christ to be able to do school work in the middle of the move and with many other aspects of life. In her spare time she has been actively working on writing and is excited for her latest book, “Strong in the Faith: Inspirational Latter Day Saints.”

Celia has been working hard in school and loved playing volleyball for a recreational league. Celia really enjoyed being able to attend girls camp and going to the temple a few times this year. She loves animals and takes very good care of her two guinea pigs. Her favorite part of the year was this last week when we got a new puppy, Rae (a Chihuahua Pekingese mix). She plans on becoming a veterinarian.

Reese loved doing gymnastics in Georgia and looks forward to doing it again next year. She worked hard and can do the splits and a one handed cartwheels, both of which she will perform for anyone interested. She enjoyed being at the same school and even in the same class as her cousin, Lexi, while in Georgia. She misses her and other family and friends since our move. However, she is making friends and enjoying her new school already. She is also very excited about our new dog.

This year had its ups and downs for us as I am sure it did for all our family and friends. During the hard times we were reminded of the grace of God and it helped. At this time of year and always we are grateful for Christ’s life and example and the hope He brings into our lives. May His hope fill your lives with peace and remind you of all the good in the world.

Thank you for being a part of our chosen family. We wish you all the best in the New Year and a very

Merry Christmas!!!

My Daughters

It was the Monday before school started. I thought it would be a great day to go on a nice bike ride with my girls. I talked to them about it the night before and was very excited to get some good exercise and spend time with my girls. Monday morning Reese woke up in a mood and she started fighting with grandpa (well I am not really sure which one started it). He didn't want the lights on because he wanted to save money on the electric bill and she wanted the lights on because she likes them on. Either that or she wanted to show grandpa he couldn't tell her what to do. She even called grandpa out on the tv being left on even when he wasn't in the room. It was rough trying to be a referee between the two. Reese needed to show respect to her grandfather and yet having a light on to work on school work is nice as well.

Then I went upstairs to talk to Celia about getting ready to go bike riding. She was busy working on some school work (yeah I am one of those moms who gives school work to her kids during the summer). She had other plans and ideas of what she wanted to do and she didn't want to go on a bike ride. "Mom, why do you make things sound like a choice in the beginning and then force me to do stuff." By that time I was ready to loose it. (There was also the stress of a traveling husband and not knowing how that was going on because it can never be just one stressor.)

So I told Celia, "Fine, do whatever you want. I just thought it would be nice to do together and you've been talking about wanting to exercise. Nevermind."

Celia ended up changing her mind, probably because she felt bad for me and wanted to try to be nice. I did explain to her about the fighting duo downstairs as well.

So we finally went bike riding. Grandpa decided to come a long as well. It was at this point that Reese started to get frustrated. She had to get off the bike and walk up the hills (she does not always do that). She was tired and she was missing having music on our ride and I was too.  My phone got wet and the speaker no longer works. There was a small fall and quite a bit of whining and "I am not going to get back on my bike until I want to" comments.

I was frustrated and looking at my beautiful daughters and wondering what I was going to do with their strong personalities. The personalities they were born with. Celia was born c-section, but as soon as they had her cleaned up she let out a cry that my mother heard from the hallway. Reese was also a c-section and they put her under lights for some jaundice issues in the hospital. Reese was so mad and only a day old and she pulled up on all fours screaming. They were born with a strength that has been a lot for me to deal with.

As I was looking at them Heavenly Father allowed me to see so much more than I had ever seen. There is a purpose to them having the personalities and strength that they have. Heavenly Father inspired me with these words in poem for them. (By the way, if anyone knows how to do artistic stuff, I would love and pay for this poem to be done nicely so I can frame it by a picture of my daughters.)

My Daughters

She was born with fire in her eyes

Unrelenting, spirited and stubborn

With a scream that could wake the dead

She questions everything

Never accepting status quo

She is a fighter ready to go the rounds

The word “NO!” etched in her brain

She challenges, humbles and teaches me

She is my greatest love, worst heartache and the joy of life

Her hug and “I love you” chisel my rough spots

Refining me and making it all better

She is her own Captain

I am her first mate

She will choose

I will cry and smile with her

Helping, advising and guiding her along the way

Back home to HIM

She is mine, but she is HIS

HE fearfully made her

Knows who she is destined to be

HE gave her that strength, attitude and stamina

Made her the fighter

HE loves her ALWAYS

HE wants her back complete

She will get there, with some guidance

May she ever remember she is mine

More importantly she is HIS

HE wants her back

Line Upon Line - Pathways Rocks

https://video.byui.edu/media/Pathway+Website+Overview+%28English%29/0_ut6fwrbr

Recently I started to take college classes through a program from my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) entitled Pathways. I have always really wanted to finish my college degree and it has made me sad that for years I have not finished it. The only consolation I have had over the years is that I realized that I no longer have any desire to get a college degree in Accounting like I originally planned. So I am at least grateful that I did not get a degree in that major. Nothing against Accounting, but I started wanting that degree when I was in elementary school. In my grade school mind an accountant was a glorified secretary with a few math skills. I was pretty sure I could handle that job because I had math skills.

 This summer I felt deeply impressed that I needed to start the Pathways program this Fall semester. Which is utterly Crazy (yes with a capital C). I am getting ready to move from Georgia to Texas (with most of our stuff in a storage unit in Pennsylvania). My husband just barely got home from deployment and I want to spend time with him. Still I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to do it and I started in the middle of September. I am so glad I followed that revelation from God to me. It has honestly filled my life with so much spiritual goodness that I can't imagine why I didn't do it earlier. It is an amazing program and if you are thinking about doing it and feel good about it, do it now.

One of our weekly assignments for class is to share what we learn with others (isn't that so cool). So this week I decided to share an experience I had recently and something I learned in my Book of Mormon class. If you aren't excited, you should be, it is awesome.

Elder David A Bednar one of the 12 apostles of our day said in his talk entitled "The Spirit of Revelation" that there are two patterns of revelation. One is like a light being turned on in a dark room, it is immediate and intense. This type of revelation is rare. The other pattern of revelation is like the sun rising in the morning. It is the more common pattern of revelation. "The gradual increase from the rising sun is like receiving a message from God 'line upon line, precept upon precept' (2 Nephi 28:30)" As soon as I read this, I realized that many of the experiences I had been having in my own life were indeed line upon line. I will share only one recent experiences to illustrate my point.

After we got our official orders to move to Texas we started looking for a house. Our immediate thought was to live on base at Fort Hood. I even submitted the paperwork to do it. Then one day while praying and after talking to my husband, we started to look in the neighboring cities by the base. We found a house we liked and applied to rent the house, but they wanted a much earlier move in date then we were comfortable with. During this time I was texting with my good friend Laura Hughes who just moved from the area. Laura puts me into contact with a friend of hers from the area who is a realtor. That friend sends me a house that is more expensive than I was looking for. The house is beautiful and I can't get my mind off of it. She looks at it for us and sends us the video and we apply for the house.When 3 or 4 days go by and we still don't even know if our application is accepted despite numerous calls on our part, I am praying to know what to do and then I call my husband. He says, well lets look at other houses and I know that is the right choice. We find another house with the first company and get everything squared away to rent that house. We both felt much better about working with this company.

I realize that this is such a small thing, finding a place to live, but I also know there is no such thing as too small to the Lord. He truly answered my prayers to know where we need to go when we move. I don't know why we need to live in this area or if that house really matters all that much. What I do know is that the Lord led us there and there is a reason. I am grateful that He led me "line upon line" because it made our family closer together as we looked together and discussed plans and prayed together. I know that the revelation I receive is more often only a little bit at a time and it slowly leads and guides me to where I need to be or what I need to learn. Now I just need to enjoy and accept when I am getting that little bit and hold on until it all comes together.

Expectations and perspective

A few months before John came home from his deployment in Afghanistan we started to talk about what we wanted to happen at the airport. I asked him what he felt about a photographer being there to take pictures and he didn't love the idea, but said it was up to me. I have gone to ceremonies that are held for active duty army soldiers when they get home from a deployment and taken pictures. The pictures are wonderful and while I wanted that, I couldn't bring myself to pay for it when I have been working hard to get out of debt. I forged a compromise and said what if my parent's come and take pictures. So I mentioned to my parents that I was hoping for that, but did not go in depth on what I wanted.

Like most of the world, I have also seen those amazing videos showing the reuniting of a soldier to their family from a long deployment. I wanted that moment, but I struggled to talk about John coming home up until he was almost home. I was afraid to count on him coming home only to have some change of plan in the military and then have the disappointment of him not coming home. For some reason I think that if I don't say something is definite it will hurt less when it doesn't happen.

John came home earlier than his unit because he needed to attend a course in order to advance in his career and he happened to get into said course toward the end of his deployment. It was hard for John to leave his guys and there was definitely a little bit of guilt felt on my part that my soldier was coming home when others were not yet.

Like most things in the military, my husband did not go straight from deployment to home. He went from Afghanistan to a base in the US where he had to do a bunch of things before they would release him. I knew when he would be at that base, but had no idea when he would be home with me and our girls. In fact, I didn't know he was coming home until the day he came home. It was a Friday and he was came home late at night.

In preparation for John coming home I had been making sure to clean our space, got all pretty, got my nails done, and made sure that his car was clean and ready for him (He loves LOVES his car). The night he came home, we go out to the car to start driving to the airport and the car battery is dead and it is starting to rain. Since I am starting to feel anxious and feel like I don't have time, we just take my dirty and stinky car that has not been cleaned to the airport instead. There is quite a bit of traffic on the roads and we barely make it to the airport in time. I catch a glimpse of my brother in law, Micah, and his wife, Sarah, before running to the bathroom with my youngest.

Then we are out there with our sign awaiting John's arrival. I get a call from him that he has landed and he is at a different part of the airport. We all frantically start to go to the other part of the airport and wait. As we are waiting and waiting and my anxiety is mounting, I realize that we have been waiting too long. I call John and he is over by a different baggage claim area and once again we are racing to find him. I am on the phone with him until we see him. Then my girls race to their dad and give him big hugs. I take a picture of them together and then my husband sees his brother. So John goes off and hugs his brother Micah and my mom whispers to me, "Has John even hugged you yet?" No, no he hasn't. :(  John hugs his brother, his sister in law, and then my mom. Finally after all of them I get a hug and a kiss.

There were no videos taken, no time for him to see the sign we made, and the only picture that I have with him shows my back side. (Really what was the use of me doing my makeup and getting all pretty if there are no pictures to show for it. Not really, but kind of.) At this point I am so happy to see him, but I am still anxious and also a bit disappointed. We go off to the previous area to meet up with my dad and get John's luggage and everyone is so tired after we get the luggage that we go off in our own cars and head home.

Since John's license had expired while he was overseas, I had to drive home. The traffic heading home was even more horrific and so we decide to go a longer way that will avoid a good bit of the traffic. It is about then that it starts to pour down rain. Have I mentioned that I am not a great driver at night because it is really hard for me to see. So I am incredibly anxious trying to wrap my brain around disappointments and be happy that my husband is home and get everyone to the house in one piece. Sometimes my multi-tasking abilities amaze even me.

Yet it is while we are on our way home that God changes me and humbles me and makes me see the light. Because sometimes, more often than I would like, I can focus on the negative and the things that are going wrong in my life. Instead, He showed me the light and helped me to re-write this little story of our reuniting.

You see my dad told us that we should leave earlier than we had planned, so the dead battery and traffic didn't end up making us super late. My car had enough gas to get to the airport and was available when the other had issues. Even though we had some traffic on the way to the airport, it was not as bad as the traffic going the other way. Once at the airport, there was plenty of parking. I got to see my girls run to and hug their dad with so much love that it warms my heart even now to think about it. My husband gave me an amazing hug and sweet kiss. Then my youngest was held by her dad with her arms wrapped around his neck and she was so very very happy because she is a daddies girl.

Although I felt like a nervous wreck the whole way home,  my husband noticed this and said encouraging words to me and played with my hair or held my hand.  Even though the drive home was longer than we would have liked, we were all together and we arrived home safe.

You see sometimes we just need to let go of expectations and change our perspective to see the joys that are a part of the experience. After all the most important thing is that we are all together and that we love each other. The pictures and videos and clean cars that work would have been nice, but they aren't necessary. We had and have the most important stuff, the rest is just fluff.

(Side note: I will totally hire a photographer if we ever go through this again. One that is flexible with their time and realizes that we only know last minute. However, I hope to never have to go through this again and will be perfectly fine with that as well.)