As the lights start to come on and the rest of the theatre goers begin to leave, I continue sitting there; deep in thought and feeling more than a little overwhelmed. It was not the Chinese food before the movie or the popcorn during Mockingjay that has rooted me to my seat. I feel this deep sense of sadness - war is so ugly and horrible. An hour of my day previous was spent listening to the book Unbroken. It is an inspiring and amazing story. I highly recommend it. However, it is also a war story. What makes war stories so wonderful and so horrible at the same time? Why do we fight? My mother looks over at me questioning why I am still sitting there with my hands covering my mouth in a state of shock. When I express my thoughts she blows them out of the water. "We are at war every day with Satan and he takes many of our good ones with him."
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Sunday, December 7, 2014
13 years ago it began...
A little over 13 years ago it began with a dream. That dream made such an impact on me that I have never forgotten it, even though I did not journal about it at the time. It has been a long journey to get to where I am today, but that dream definitely started something. So as I have been working on my book "Dear Eva" that dream is where I wanted my book to begin. I guess I should give you a rough summary of what this book is about. It is a journal that a woman is writing to her future child. In fact I have a journal like that and as I would write in it, I thought someone should write a book like this. At the time I had little to no desire to write. However, here I am now with a rough draft that is drastically in need of editing and a dream to someday help those who have suffered with infertility like me. You see the book goes through the years of infertility, longing, and spiritual growth of Ashley Rose Close before her dream is realized. We who desire children are not alone and ultimately the Lord knows what He is doing. We just need to ask for peace during the painful and sometimes horrific process. Peace comes in the Lord's time and way, but it does come. Here is the beginning including the reason I am writing this book:
This book is dedicated to my hard
earned family and to the many who
struggle with the righteous desire of
having children or even just one child.
April
(It begins)
Dear Future Baby,
I keep having the
same distinct dream. In it, I see your
beautiful Gerber face and you are smiling up at me as I hold you in my
arms. There is a twinkle in your eyes like
looking at the ocean with the sun rays sparkling off the water. Those twinkling
eyes are beautiful crystal clear blue just like your dad’s. Your sparse hair has just a hint of strawberry
in the blond. However, it’s not your
face or the way you look that has stayed with me for days. What has remained with me are the feelings of
immense love and a longing for you. Holding
you in my arms was a wonderful fulfilling experience, even if it was only in my
dreams. When I wake up and look around,
I wonder where you went. I want that
feeling to return; that overwhelming love, satisfaction, and pure joy. Baby, I
did not know before you came to me in my dreams, but I miss you and I want you
to come join our family.
It only took a
little while to convince your dad that it was time to start trying, but even if
he hadn’t agreed I wouldn’t have prevented you from coming. The pull I feel to have you is so immense
that I know I will do everything in my power to bring you here. As your dad has warmed up to the idea he told
me that you better end up with my dimples or he will send you back. He’s so funny. Don’t worry baby, there will be no sending
you back.
Just thinking about holding you in my arms makes me feel all
giddy inside like my wedding day; full of excitement and yet nervous that I may
not be ready at the same time. However,
knowing that I will be feeling the immense love that was in my dream in real
life soon has brought a secret contentment to everything I do. I look forward
to that feeling coming into all our lives once you are here. Someday I hope that you’ll read this and know
what I did to prepare myself for you and how much I truly want and love you; even
before you’re born.
I do have some
fears about you coming, but I also know that I want you more than I am
afraid. Besides in trying to control this
aspect of my life I have been driving the spirit away. Whenever we try to take control of our lives
and forget the Lord is in charge, we make mistakes. We, as humans, have such a limited knowledge
and He knows everything. The Lord knows
what we need to do and following Him leads to a much happier life. Turning my will over to the Lord is all I
have to give to Him who gave all. I have
already felt as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders in this
decision. So when you come will not depend on anything other than the Lord’s
will and timing.
In some ways I
feel like this is my own personal leap of faith. To turn control over to the Lord and accept
His will is quite a challenge to me.
Guess I never quite realized what a control freak I am. In the end, the Lord will know the best time
for you to come and if it means that the college years will be more of a
struggle, I say bring it on. With the
Lord on my side we will eventually prevail.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Self Doubt
My local library has authors come on a pretty regular basis and I have enjoyed the ones I attended. Initially I was going as a research project. If I could figure out what a good writer is like, maybe I could emulate that in my own life. It is amazing to sit in that library room with fellow book lovers around me listening to an amazing author talk. Yet, time and time again they express how hard it is to write and even harder to find someone who thinks you are a good author (even yourself). Some of them have known that they wanted write from an early age and others, like James Rollins, have pursued other careers for years before deciding to write. I am not sure why, but it surprised me that they all feel insecure about writing. That they doubted their own ability to do it well. These authors have sold millions of books all over the world and have made it onto the New York Times best seller list. So I guess I should just accept that insecurity and doubt are just part of the process. It is getting over those emotions and forcing yourself to write, edit, or whatever your current writing need is that makes a difference. There really is a wealth of knowledge from those who have paved the way before you and I have gained some insight on what a good writer does....they write, no matter what, even if they don't feel like it.
I am ashamed to say that I have been letting the doubt get the better of me. My life is busy and I have blamed my lack of writing on that, but in doing so I have not been very honest with myself. I have been avoiding it because it is hard to sit there and pick apart something you did (ie edit). To change and correct and possibly even take something out that you absolutely love because it does not help the story flow. Talk about having a reason for feeling insecure, going in to find faults and correct them is a doubt filled process. So that is where I am and why I must stop blogging about it and get back to it. Yep, I am once again still avoiding what I need to do to get better at writing. The actual book that is calling my name...."Dear Eva" hear I come. Someday you will see some excerpts from it.
I am ashamed to say that I have been letting the doubt get the better of me. My life is busy and I have blamed my lack of writing on that, but in doing so I have not been very honest with myself. I have been avoiding it because it is hard to sit there and pick apart something you did (ie edit). To change and correct and possibly even take something out that you absolutely love because it does not help the story flow. Talk about having a reason for feeling insecure, going in to find faults and correct them is a doubt filled process. So that is where I am and why I must stop blogging about it and get back to it. Yep, I am once again still avoiding what I need to do to get better at writing. The actual book that is calling my name...."Dear Eva" hear I come. Someday you will see some excerpts from it.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Those Moments
Every Thursday I have the privilege of attending a group called PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel). It is a group of military wives who get together for a weekly spiritual meeting and bible study. You may wonder why a mormon is attending a protestant meeting and you would not be the first. Honestly, I go because some friends go and I really felt like the Lord wanted me to. Also, mormon chaplains are considered protestant by the military.
Anyways, the bible study I am in is currently using the study guide One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I am a little behind on my reading because of physical therapy, but this morning the guide asked me to write down three moments of loss, pain, and struggle in my life. Then note how each one impacted my past and influenced my present. Now I was only able to write down two before being interrupted by my kids, but I feel like I need to share the first one and a children's story I wrote this summer. Before I do, think about those moments of hard times in your life and how the changed your past and present. Hopefully, you will find some positive changes from them. If not, stop and say a quiet prayer and ask the Lord to show you the good. He will, he always answers prayers like that.
When I was 17 and just 2 days from starting my Senior year of high school my family got into a car accident. We started out in Utah and were about half way back to Georgia when the accident occurred in Texas. Our family van hit a concrete pillar of a freeway overpass and rolled numerous times before landing upside down. Here we were in Shamrock, Texas with no one that we know anywhere close by and facing some of the most challenging days of our lives. My parents injuries were too extensive to be handled by the local hospital and so they transported the three of us kids and our parents by ambulance to Amarillo, Texas.
(This is our Van)
(My very meager injuries compared to the rest of us in the van.)
My older siblings had been notified of the accident and prayers were being sent up to heaven, but more than that a few phone calls were made. By the time my family finished our 2 hour drive back to Amarillo we had new friends waiting for us at the hospital. You see a local bishop had been called and had gotten some faithful priesthood members to go to the hospital and spend their Saturday morning giving blessings to a family that they had never met. Not only that, but a wonderful older couple took in three beat up teenage kids for the weekend that they had also never met. They fed us, cared for us, took my sister to get our stuff from the broken van, and made that hellish weekend a lot more bearable. So many angels seen and not seen were felt during this experience. Each was following Christ's example and serving us.
It was the beginning of a hard year for my entire family, but especially for my parents and sister. We are all forever changed by the experience. I know Heavenly Father allowed this to occur because of all the lessons we could learn. I know my church is an international church and I also know for a fact that help is literally just a phone call away. Don't believe me, try it out when you are most in need. Go to the website www.lds.org and find a local church building or number to wherever you are. Call them and you will see help come from some of the most amazing people.
It is a miracle that each and every one of us in that van survived and there were many miracles that happened during this time. My home ward (our local church we usually attended in Georgia) paid for all three of us kids to fly home and my parents followed shortly by medical transport. The influence of these wonderful people can be felt by me still when I think of the experience.
This and a lot of experiences I have had as a military wife led me to write a children's novel this summer. I submitted it to a church publisher and was rejected. Then I donated it to a church magazine and it was accepted. Someday it may be in print.
Anyways, the bible study I am in is currently using the study guide One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I am a little behind on my reading because of physical therapy, but this morning the guide asked me to write down three moments of loss, pain, and struggle in my life. Then note how each one impacted my past and influenced my present. Now I was only able to write down two before being interrupted by my kids, but I feel like I need to share the first one and a children's story I wrote this summer. Before I do, think about those moments of hard times in your life and how the changed your past and present. Hopefully, you will find some positive changes from them. If not, stop and say a quiet prayer and ask the Lord to show you the good. He will, he always answers prayers like that.
When I was 17 and just 2 days from starting my Senior year of high school my family got into a car accident. We started out in Utah and were about half way back to Georgia when the accident occurred in Texas. Our family van hit a concrete pillar of a freeway overpass and rolled numerous times before landing upside down. Here we were in Shamrock, Texas with no one that we know anywhere close by and facing some of the most challenging days of our lives. My parents injuries were too extensive to be handled by the local hospital and so they transported the three of us kids and our parents by ambulance to Amarillo, Texas.
(My very meager injuries compared to the rest of us in the van.)
My older siblings had been notified of the accident and prayers were being sent up to heaven, but more than that a few phone calls were made. By the time my family finished our 2 hour drive back to Amarillo we had new friends waiting for us at the hospital. You see a local bishop had been called and had gotten some faithful priesthood members to go to the hospital and spend their Saturday morning giving blessings to a family that they had never met. Not only that, but a wonderful older couple took in three beat up teenage kids for the weekend that they had also never met. They fed us, cared for us, took my sister to get our stuff from the broken van, and made that hellish weekend a lot more bearable. So many angels seen and not seen were felt during this experience. Each was following Christ's example and serving us.
It was the beginning of a hard year for my entire family, but especially for my parents and sister. We are all forever changed by the experience. I know Heavenly Father allowed this to occur because of all the lessons we could learn. I know my church is an international church and I also know for a fact that help is literally just a phone call away. Don't believe me, try it out when you are most in need. Go to the website www.lds.org and find a local church building or number to wherever you are. Call them and you will see help come from some of the most amazing people.
It is a miracle that each and every one of us in that van survived and there were many miracles that happened during this time. My home ward (our local church we usually attended in Georgia) paid for all three of us kids to fly home and my parents followed shortly by medical transport. The influence of these wonderful people can be felt by me still when I think of the experience.
This and a lot of experiences I have had as a military wife led me to write a children's novel this summer. I submitted it to a church publisher and was rejected. Then I donated it to a church magazine and it was accepted. Someday it may be in print.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Pee Pee Problems
It has now been 26 months since I started trying to potty train my youngest daughter Reese. I am a potty training dropout. Right now my record is 0 for 2 with my girls in getting them potty trained within a year. My first daughter it was a matter of just getting the pooping under control and we eventually did that. With Reese I tried everything that I had done with my older daughter and nothing worked. I can't tell you how many charts we went through and prizes. 30 squares of just going to the potty without an accident once would take 6 months or longer to complete. That doesn't even include the chart where she was supposed to have no accidents in a day to earn a sticker. That one never got finished.
This may sound silly, but it has been really stressful to have a child that constantly has accidents. I can't take her anywhere without a fresh pair of clothes and I was really nervous about her starting half day pre-k this year. She has done well for the most part during those 3 hours a day, but has had accidents. Not only one's her teacher knew about, some that were small and she told me about when she got home. Picture the deep sigh the resigned shrug and my response of "Ok, let's go change your pants." I have thrown underwear away, I have threatened, I have begged, pleased and cried; all while praying and fasting and begging the Lord to help me know what to do.
Then I rode with a friend to a church function and she said she knew someone who got medical help. My instant reply was what it always is, to shrug off the suggestion because I had thought of it and hadn't felt right about it. Yet the conversation stayed with me. A week or so later Reese came up to me for the third time that day telling me she had an accident and I just could care less. She cleaned herself up and I sat there in deep thought.
You see Reese isn't the only one with a problem in our family. I have spent most of my life struggling with pee issues myself. I always figured it was my curse for having laid on my mom's bladder during her entire pregnancy and not allowing her to pee. One particularly horrific time was in 5 grade when we were playing a game at school and I peed my pants laughing. I had to go home and I really tried not to be traumatized by it After that, I stopped drinking as much fluid becuase I no longer wanted to take a chance. It worked for the most part because I was constantly dehydrating myself and had no pee. There were still accidents, though.
My mom tried to teach me how to do Kegels, but I didn't understand it and honestly still don't. So fast forward lots of years and two kids later, I went in April to have surgery done on my endometrosis in the hopes of helping fix some problems and to get pregnant. The doctor, Dr. Sinervo from The Center for Endometrosis Care, mentions that I have pelvic floor disfunction and should see a physical therapist about it. Yeah right, I am going in for surgery and I am going to sign up for another 4 - 6 weeks of doctors appointments. Once again I did my typical disregard and think about it later response. It takes me a while to process.
Six months later, there I sat thinking about my daughter and living myself in the latest round of sharp pee pee pains as I call them, when the light bulb finally clicked.....What if she has the same thing I do? What if all these years I have been getting so frustrated with her when she can't help it? Man did I feel some serious guilt. Now two weeks into treatment for both of us...(Pretty embarassing to be seeing a doctor for the same problem as your 4 year old) We are getting better, we are attempting to learn those ellusive Kegels and I am seeing progress in Reese.
Our nights are longer with all the exercises and potty practicing that we both have to do, but I am hopeful that maybe I will save her the long years and embarrasing accidents that I have lived with my whole life.
The Lord took a while to answer my prayer because He knew I was stubborn and would only take myself if it would help Reese. It has not and is still not an easy experience to go through. Tuesday's appointment I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball and hide somewhere. It was painful and I feel very defective to be a thirty something year old woman who has accepted so many side effects for so long....Oh yeah and those sharp pee pee pains, they are muscle spasms because my muscles are weak there. Crazy right.
Honestly I would love to have written about anything else as my first blog for this new site, but I keep feeling the Lord telling me to open up and be vulnerable. Not something I love to do. However, for the Lord I will do anything. Sorry if this falls under the TMI catergory. LOL I agree.
This may sound silly, but it has been really stressful to have a child that constantly has accidents. I can't take her anywhere without a fresh pair of clothes and I was really nervous about her starting half day pre-k this year. She has done well for the most part during those 3 hours a day, but has had accidents. Not only one's her teacher knew about, some that were small and she told me about when she got home. Picture the deep sigh the resigned shrug and my response of "Ok, let's go change your pants." I have thrown underwear away, I have threatened, I have begged, pleased and cried; all while praying and fasting and begging the Lord to help me know what to do.
Then I rode with a friend to a church function and she said she knew someone who got medical help. My instant reply was what it always is, to shrug off the suggestion because I had thought of it and hadn't felt right about it. Yet the conversation stayed with me. A week or so later Reese came up to me for the third time that day telling me she had an accident and I just could care less. She cleaned herself up and I sat there in deep thought.
You see Reese isn't the only one with a problem in our family. I have spent most of my life struggling with pee issues myself. I always figured it was my curse for having laid on my mom's bladder during her entire pregnancy and not allowing her to pee. One particularly horrific time was in 5 grade when we were playing a game at school and I peed my pants laughing. I had to go home and I really tried not to be traumatized by it After that, I stopped drinking as much fluid becuase I no longer wanted to take a chance. It worked for the most part because I was constantly dehydrating myself and had no pee. There were still accidents, though.
My mom tried to teach me how to do Kegels, but I didn't understand it and honestly still don't. So fast forward lots of years and two kids later, I went in April to have surgery done on my endometrosis in the hopes of helping fix some problems and to get pregnant. The doctor, Dr. Sinervo from The Center for Endometrosis Care, mentions that I have pelvic floor disfunction and should see a physical therapist about it. Yeah right, I am going in for surgery and I am going to sign up for another 4 - 6 weeks of doctors appointments. Once again I did my typical disregard and think about it later response. It takes me a while to process.
Six months later, there I sat thinking about my daughter and living myself in the latest round of sharp pee pee pains as I call them, when the light bulb finally clicked.....What if she has the same thing I do? What if all these years I have been getting so frustrated with her when she can't help it? Man did I feel some serious guilt. Now two weeks into treatment for both of us...(Pretty embarassing to be seeing a doctor for the same problem as your 4 year old) We are getting better, we are attempting to learn those ellusive Kegels and I am seeing progress in Reese.
Our nights are longer with all the exercises and potty practicing that we both have to do, but I am hopeful that maybe I will save her the long years and embarrasing accidents that I have lived with my whole life.
The Lord took a while to answer my prayer because He knew I was stubborn and would only take myself if it would help Reese. It has not and is still not an easy experience to go through. Tuesday's appointment I wanted to go home and curl up in a ball and hide somewhere. It was painful and I feel very defective to be a thirty something year old woman who has accepted so many side effects for so long....Oh yeah and those sharp pee pee pains, they are muscle spasms because my muscles are weak there. Crazy right.
Honestly I would love to have written about anything else as my first blog for this new site, but I keep feeling the Lord telling me to open up and be vulnerable. Not something I love to do. However, for the Lord I will do anything. Sorry if this falls under the TMI catergory. LOL I agree.
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