13 years ago it began...

A little over 13 years ago it began with a dream.  That dream made such an impact on me that I have never forgotten it, even though I did not journal about it at the time.  It has been a long journey to get to where I am today, but that dream definitely started something.  So as I have been working on my book "Dear Eva"  that dream is where I wanted my book to begin.  I guess I should give you a rough summary of what this book is about.  It is a journal that a woman is writing to her future child.  In fact I have a journal like that and as I would write in it, I thought someone should write a book like this.  At the time I had little to no desire to write.  However, here I am now with a rough draft that is drastically in need of editing and a dream to someday help those who have suffered with infertility like me.  You see the book goes through the years of infertility, longing, and spiritual growth of Ashley Rose Close before her dream is realized.  We who desire children are not alone and ultimately the Lord knows what He is doing.  We just need to ask for peace during the painful and sometimes horrific process.  Peace comes in the Lord's time and way, but it does come. Here is the beginning including the reason I am writing this book:

This book is dedicated to my hard

earned family and to the many who

struggle with the righteous desire of

having children or even just one child.

                                                                                                April (It begins)

Dear Future Baby,

          I keep having the same distinct dream.  In it, I see your beautiful Gerber face and you are smiling up at me as I hold you in my arms.  There is a twinkle in your eyes like looking at the ocean with the sun rays sparkling off the water. Those twinkling eyes are beautiful crystal clear blue just like your dad’s.  Your sparse hair has just a hint of strawberry in the blond.  However, it’s not your face or the way you look that has stayed with me for days.  What has remained with me are the feelings of immense love and a longing for you.  Holding you in my arms was a wonderful fulfilling experience, even if it was only in my dreams.   When I wake up and look around, I wonder where you went.  I want that feeling to return; that overwhelming love, satisfaction, and pure joy. Baby, I did not know before you came to me in my dreams, but I miss you and I want you to come join our family.

         

          It only took a little while to convince your dad that it was time to start trying, but even if he hadn’t agreed I wouldn’t have prevented you from coming.  The pull I feel to have you is so immense that I know I will do everything in my power to bring you here.  As your dad has warmed up to the idea he told me that you better end up with my dimples or he will send you back.  He’s so funny.  Don’t worry baby, there will be no sending you back. 

          Just thinking about holding you in my arms makes me feel all giddy inside like my wedding day; full of excitement and yet nervous that I may not be ready at the same time.  However, knowing that I will be feeling the immense love that was in my dream in real life soon has brought a secret contentment to everything I do. I look forward to that feeling coming into all our lives once you are here.  Someday I hope that you’ll read this and know what I did to prepare myself for you and how much I truly want and love you; even before you’re born.

          I do have some fears about you coming, but I also know that I want you more than I am afraid.  Besides in trying to control this aspect of my life I have been driving the spirit away.  Whenever we try to take control of our lives and forget the Lord is in charge, we make mistakes.  We, as humans, have such a limited knowledge and He knows everything.  The Lord knows what we need to do and following Him leads to a much happier life.  Turning my will over to the Lord is all I have to give to Him who gave all.  I have already felt as if a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders in this decision. So when you come will not depend on anything other than the Lord’s will and timing. 

          In some ways I feel like this is my own personal leap of faith.  To turn control over to the Lord and accept His will is quite a challenge to me.  Guess I never quite realized what a control freak I am.  In the end, the Lord will know the best time for you to come and if it means that the college years will be more of a struggle, I say bring it on.   With the Lord on my side we will eventually prevail.