The Ripple Effect

You have heard of and probably even seen the ripple effect that happens on water. It starts with one simple thing touching the water's surface, then a circle appears around that spot. That one circle in the water creates a second and a third and on it goes as the ripple spreads. That is the way my moments and days of depression start. I think one simple thought and unfortunately I let that thought continue not just above the surface of my consciousness, but I let it touch me. Soon the ripples have spread and the one little thought has expanded to an abundance of negative thoughts and an overwhelming wave of sadness that absorbs the calm inside.

Sometimes that first negative thought is that I really am unattractive, like it was two weeks ago. Then I will start to pick apart every aspect of myself. Starting with my face and body. It will become impossible for me to look at myself in the mirror because I no longer see anything of value there. Video chatting with my husband is torture because I want to cover that little picture of myself up. I want to see him, but not be seen because how could anyone love someone who looks and acts like me.

Those thoughts begin to grow and next thing I know in my head my marriage has ended and I am devastated in a very real and poignant way. Being stuck in my head is not always a good place to be.

On a side note: I guess it does show me how much I love and truly need my husband in my life. He is my other half. The one that says silly things and makes me laugh...without him I can become too serious and stuck in my head.

A few weeks ago those negative thoughts and depression overcame me. I was unable to focus on anything, but those negative thoughts. The internal battle was a very difficult fight and I really hoped and had faith that I would be the one to issue the knock out punch. I did, but it took time, the Lord's help, Moana and a loving mother (not necessarily in that order).

First I will start with my mother. She knew I was struggling and knew that my "internal dialogue" as she called it was very negative and needed a change. One night she told me that she was going to give me some words to look in a mirror and say and that I needed to say them. She said (something along these lines, I am not good at memorization), "I am beautiful. I have value. I am a wonderful and caring person." Mom even encouraged me to repeat them after her. I don't think I did. Not because I didn't like her idea, but because I knew I couldn't say them without crying and I was sick of crying. Crying in front of others makes me feel weak.

Second, I prayed a lot. On my knees, in my head, every chance I could get. I asked for help from our loving Heavenly Father.

Third, the Holy Ghost whispered in my head that I needed to listen to the soundtrack of Moana. My favorite part of that whole movie is when Moana fails and she gives up. Then her reincarnated Manta Ray grandmother, Tala, comes and she sings to her and asks her a simple question. "Moana, do you know who you are?" I listened to that song too many times to count and I kept listening to it and I kept singing along to it even though I do not have a good voice (thankfully I was alone in the car).  Then I started to fight back against those negative thoughts and depression.

Jennifer, Do you know who you are?

I am Jennifer Autry, I am the daughter of two amazing parents who love me. I am the wife of an inspiring and giving man who loves me. I am the mother of two beautiful strong girls who need to see my weakness as well as my strength to know that I have overcome challenges and they can too. I am a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father who never leaves me alone; who sends angels (thanks Aunt Susan) to help me when I need it and He sees in my so much more than I could ever imagine. I have a part to play and it is a good one, my part. I may be the crazy grandma or a silly chicken or maybe even just the silent, but ever present water (go see Moana if you don't understand these references it is pretty good). Whatever part I have to play in life doesn't matter, what matters is that I don't give up or give in to the negative thoughts that will drive me down and make me incapable of any action other than laying on my floor begging for escape from my mental torment.

I felt so much better after I started to fight back. Which was a good thing because there was a problem with the car on that same car ride and I needed my sanity that day. I hope that I remember this day and that the minute a negative thought tries to get inside my head I fight back. I say no, you can not stay here. I know who I am and you are not welcome here.

Anyone who reads this and may be struggling their own internal or external hell, please don't forget who you are and fight the negative thoughts. Look up and know that you have a part to play and it is a good one.