Chocolate!!!!

I have written a lot this last year about weight loss and exercise. Both are subjects I am very passionate about. Unfortunately, I have been struggling with the motivation for weight loss a lot lately. Instead of trying to beat myself up about, I resolve to remember that there is a time and a season for all things. I keep trying to and failing, but I know the real reason I am not able to keep up my motivation. It is because I am also trying really hard to get pregnant. It is not a subject that I like to talk about because it makes me very sad. The truth is I have two beautiful girls and they are enough. Yet in my heart I don't feel like I am done having kids. It is a subject I have thought and prayed about a lot.

Over the last two months of Clomid (a fertility drug I am taking to help me get pregnant) my emotional state has been erratic and I have been unable to control my eating. A few weeks ago as I reached the peak of my PMS and was stressed to the max after just finishing the latest round of bills and budgeting, I wanted chocolate. Not just a simple, "Oh some chocolate would be really nice right now." It was a full blown I will search the couch cushions or do whatever I have to do to have some chocolate experience. Standing in the kitchen with the words chocolate reverberating around my brain like some crazed addict, I came up with a plan. I had one more stick of butter in the house and ingredients for some no bake cookies. As I started to make them, things quickly got out of hand. I over boiled the sugar, butter, milk, cocoa mixture and it was hardening up. By the time the peanut butter and oats were added the cookies seemed more crumbly than moist. No problem, I have done this before. I knew what to do, add more milk. So I did....too much milk.

By the time I finished with these cookies they were overly wet and would not harden up no matter what. Yet, I still scraped those gooey globs of chocolate off the foil lined counter and consumed a mass quantity of calories and chocolate. Crisis averted.

Funny thing, last month when I started to take this wonderful medicine in the hopes of having my final baby sometime before I turn 40, I had warned my daughters and husband. I told them I would do the best that I could, but I have no control over the side effects of this medicine. I have been trying really hard to keep the side effects in check, but I feel nauseous a lot. My PMS consisted mostly of angry thoughts about everything and the rage has been hard to keep in check. Not to mention depression, dizzy spells, and so much more.

As I was driving home from the grocery store I had this silent talk with God in my head. Do I really have to do this; ie take this medicine? Is it even going to be worth it? Can't I just have it easy and simply get pregnant? Isn't there anyone out there who can give me a baby for free (I would pay if I could, but I can't afford the over $10,000 adoption fees)? 

My answer was simple. Heavenly Father reminded me of the Book of Mormon Story about Nephi going to get the brass plates with his brothers. Nephi said he would go and do what the Lord commanded because the Lord would prepare a way. Did that make it easy for Nephi to get the plates? No, it was still really hard and he risked his life to get those plates. Now I know because the Lord has let me know that I am not done having kids. I would be very happy to simply accept my two girls and be done with this whole fertility mess. Since I know that I am not done and that the Lord will bring a child to me in His own way and in His own time, what is a little anger, depression, nausea and everything else. Simply a trial of my faith and will I continue to follow the difficult path? You bet I will, I will go where my Lord leads me even if the way is not easy.