My Life and Writing

Those who know me well, know that I have been working on writing a book for over three years now. Sometimes I work a little harder than others. The last few months I have felt this internal push to finish this novel (called Dear Eva). Well the first few weeks of January, I was doing really good and working hard on the very challenging editing process of the novel. Then, I started to work as a substitute aide for the local school system.  (I am sure there will be more posts about this in the future) Well that part time job quickly became a permanent substitute aide at the local middle school.

Which means that I do not have as much free time as I used to. Still there is this push inside me to finish this book. Today I was able to take some time to work on the book and I came across something I wrote a while ago.  I am not even sure if it will make it into the book, but I feel like it would be a good part to share here. As a side note, the book is a journal that a mother starts to write when she starts wanting to have kids. She continues writing through her struggles with fertility. This particular entry would be one after she found out she was not pregnant again (so many times this happens when you struggle with fertility...potentially every month).

Sometimes when your heart breaks it is a sudden and horrific experience and sometimes it is a trickle of pain that escapes a little bit at a time while your heart feels squeezed. Mine is trickling and I want to start the emotional waterfall to just get it over with, but can't. I have to hold it together because that is what adults are supposed to do and because I can't let myself go there emotionally. Why did I even start the process? Why did I start to imagine how and when I would tell my husband that I am pregnant. Such a slippery slope that I continue to slide down only to come to an abrupt and bloody stop.

Baby you are worth the wait and agony, but once again I find myself wanting to know what the future holds instead of focusing on my next step in life. I should realize by now that my life is measured in days and weeks and anything more than that is uncertain. I am starting to find myself afraid to plan too far in the future, for you see you never know what will happen. Nope I never know what will happen.

My prayer is that our Lord will know that now and always I am His humble servant. I will go where He wants me and be who He wants me to be. He leads and I will follow.  I know He has a plan for me and I will take it one step at a time. Hoping that someday all of this will make sense.

I wrote this during a particularly difficult day for me emotionally in my infertility journey. It is a bit dramatic, but at times we are all a bit dramatic. The struggle to get pregnant is real. Even though there are many days I wish my struggle would end, I am also grateful for the knowledge and understanding I have gained. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me (as He does for all of His Children, including you). Someday it will all make sense.